Plus Sized Pariah

And other cool places

2012-01-30T18:16:00.000-08:00

I wasn't sure what to write about, so I decided to share some cool places with you. Listed in no particular order.

Chocolate Paper - This shop has lots of cool goodies in it. Not to mention the fabulous gourmet chocolate. They have lots of unique gifts including several books I would have loved to get for Matthew. Their gifts are organized by genre/personality. So there's a geek section, foodie section, wine section, girly section, etc. Very cool. I got Matthew a pin that said something like, "Don't Forget I'm Freaking Awesome." They also have holiday themed gifts. I could probably spend a shit ton of money here. I bought a half pound of their dark chocolate raspberry creme truffles and I died of happiness. They were so rich and amazing, that it took me 2 weeks to finish them off. The flavor would happily linger.

Ladles and Linens - This shop has everything a cooking lover could want. I bought a couple shot glasses, for my family. They had some really cool gizmos and gadgets that I really wanted to get. Reusable Parchment paper was pretty cool. They also had a sweet anti-ickies drying mat. We could really use one of those around here. What was really cool, is they had some homemade chip samples at the counter, so you could have a little nip before you head out the door.

Erstwhile Antiques - This is a hip shop with awesome vintage clothes. There were so many pieces in the store that I wish they had in my size. One of the leather jackets was so well worn, that it was soft like butta. A few of the pieces I could remember seeing my mom or uncle wearing when I was a kid. One of the jackets, I swear was one my mom had when she was in high school. Oh and these smurf skates! Mom, you know how I feel about smurfs! Check out the awesome smurf mobile. I had one when I was 2/3. Now I want to watch Dazed and Confused.

Lalo Treasures - This was one of the shops I was addicted to when I lived in Boston. No, there is not one in Vinton, but this blog is about cool places, not Virginia. I got a really cool mobile and a single strand of shapes. They look really cool in the window. I didn't bring them here with me to VA, but I miss looking at them. Their home decor is my favorite, but it looks like their putting their emphasis more on jewelry. Which is sad, cause their mobiles and candle holders are so awesome! The store was located on Newbury Street, which was always a fun place to wander on a nice spring day. Man I miss those walks. Boston is a beautiful city.

Black Market Minerals - ok, so I thought this was a chain store - a very cook chain store - but it turns out there are very few of these in the country. There are 8 stores, and lucky for some, one is in Tempe, AZ. The others are in Florida, South Carolina, Illinois and Washington. I love this store for their awesome bead/jewelry selection and their sarongs. Every time my hubby and I go, he gets me the 2 for $11 sarongs. I'm working on a beaded curtain right now, and I could really use some of their awesome beads. * le sigh* I also love their artwork and wide selection of quartz lights. I wish I had brought mine from home. It was such a cool and mellow night light.

I can reanimate crusty bread

2012-01-22T15:03:00.000-08:00

What did you do this weekend young lady?

Friday Evening: Eat, Facebook, Hulu, Listen to Audiobook/Craft, Read, Sleep

Saturday: Read/Eat, Read/Finish Book, Burp at Chris, Shopping Downtown, Eat, Read/Start New Book, Went to dinner with friends, Drink, Drink, Panic Attack at Metro Dance Club, Go Home, Comfort Eating, Read, Sleep
Sunday: Read, Read/Eat, Try to download some software on computer, Facebook, Read/Finish Book, Laundry, Cook Cauliflower, Write Blog
Future Plans: Eat, Make Mashed Cauliflower for work lunches, Facebook, Read/Start New Book, Sleep

And that's the tale of how I almost finished a Trilogy in a single weekend.

FYI, It's the Hunger Games trilogy.

Imagine the unsatisfied feeling in your gut had I finished the blog there?

This has been a trying month. The tailbone injury I sustained while falling down the stairs is STILL bothering me. It still hurts to stand up from sitting, get out of Chris' car, sleep and exercise. I tried going to the gym again this week, and I thought I did ok. I rode the bikes for 2.5 miles, and I leaned my hips forward to take the weight of my tailbone. However, that night I was tossing and turning and moaning aloud because of the pain I was in. I could not find a comfortable position to sleep in.

On a side note, generic Breathe Right strips DO NOT work as good as name brand. Their like angry bandaids that you have to take off half way through the night cause they bunched up around your nostrils. Now I've got a months worth of crappy strips to go through before I can buy more. Why use them you ask? Why not buy better ones? Cause that would be a waste of money. And a nights sleep with a lame-o strip is better than none.

Work's been difficult. I've been trying to take my boss' advice to slow down and pace myself, which leaves me really bored. I often found myself nodding off at my desk and feeling easily annoyed. I often went into the cafe to work, which helped my tailbone feel better, and revived me a bit. It would be nice to have that much sunshine in our office space. I broke down and finally asked my boss if I could help her with anything, which gave me 2 busy and fast work days. I've been warned that this next week is supposed to be tough because there are deadlines looming and we need all hands on deck to finish whatever these projects are. Hopefully we can maintain a jovial and friendly workplace.

The combination of boredom, PMS, and pain from my tailbone, has made me a bit prickly lately. Like a porcupine. So my temper has been shorter. It was so nice this weekend to escape into books. Then Chris and I had a leisurely stroll downtown, where I bought some fair-trade soap from an African country and lots of goodies from an awesome bakery. On The Rise. You gotta try the raspberry brownie, the pepperoni twisty thingy, their pizza, their bread, oh the cream puffs....oh yeah. Gotta try it all. They make cakes too. Can't wait for the next birthday around here so we can try one!

Getting out Saturday night was a BLAST too. We (Mary, Catie, Julie, Chris and I) went to dinner at Issacs' Mediterranean. The service sucked, cause it was slow. But they were just bought out by the employees and they are having a tough time adjusting. They need to hire some more staff definitely. They were just slow, not rude, so I didn't mind to much. The food was definitely better than last time. The pita was fresh and homemade, so that was an improvement. I tried some of their Kalamata Olive Hummus, and it was really good. It was the first hummus that I actually enjoyed. The potato feta soup is amazing too. The jazz piano player and singer Alan Watson definitely set the mood for the meal.

Then we moved onto Blue's BBQ for drinks and conversation. The music was pretty cool and the conversation was excellent. I feel like we really made a connection that night. I think I finally caught a glimpse of who these women really are without outside influences, like work, clouding my view. I can see quite a bit of strength in Julie, fierce loyalty in Catie and vulnerability in Mary. And no, not bad sad weepy pathetic vulnerable. Just the soft side hiding behind a big smile. I'd mention Chris, but we all know she's Bat shit crazy. Just kidding Chris. Love ya! I talked about you enough in the post about last week. Don't want you getting a big ego or anything.

The the gang went dancing, while I stood around like a tard. I had a panic attack on the dance floor, which doesn't translate to cool dancing unfortunately. The problem with my panic attacks, is I never know when they are going to hit or why. So I stood there with a tight chest, pounding heart, and racing thoughts. Sexy. Matt tried to coax me out of it via text, but that didn't help much. I was able to hold out and somewhat maintain until Chris was ready to go home at around 11:30pm.

On the way home, I had to have a cheeseburger and fries. So weak...so weak. I needed comfort food after my little ordeal. My heart pounding and asthma-like symptoms didn't stop until we were almost home. After my binge fest, I curled up with my book and read until I fell asleep. Overall, it was an excellent night. Eventually, I will forget all about the panic attack and just remember the good times I had with the VISTA gals.

So, back to the title of this blog. Did you know you can reanimate zombified, crusty bread by dipping it in cold water, letting it drip for a bit and then tossing it in the oven for a few minutes. Out comes soft warm bread ready to go!

Did I really say that?

2012-01-16T14:10:00.000-08:00

Oh boy. So Chris and I decided to have a bonding night with a little bit of liquor. She's never seen me more than slightly buzzed, because I watch my alcohol intake closely when I go out. So I decided to let the devil outta her cage and introduce her to Cheesy McLovin n' Whineystein. Ok, so I'm judging myself a bit harshly there.

We started out the evening by going to Blue's BBQ for some beers and music. The band wasn't that bad, but not great. The fries were AMAZING! Oh and they have this mustard sauce....oh drool worthy! It was so much fun to hang out just the two of us. I can't remember the conversations we had while we were there, but the feeling of happiness and fun lingers. Oh, and the reason I can't really remember, is because I'm writing this like a week later (I'm back dating this blog's post date), so no, I don't have a tumor. I ordered a "bag of doughnuts" to go. I wouldn't let myself look at them until I got home... oh the suspense.

When we got home, Chris went for more beer, and I made a strong screwdriver. I wasn't messing around, I wanted to get a good buzz on. I think I drank about a third of the Absolute bottle. yikes! Oh, and back to the doughnuts. OH MY GOD. I wish I took a picture of them. They were small balls of cinnamon-sugar goodness with 3, yes 3 different types of dipping sauce; caramel, chocolate and raspberry. Oh heaven. Now I want more...mmmmm

Anyway, back to that evening.

We talked about ALL kinds of stuff. Some of the nigh is a blur, but I remember talking about how much we mean to one another and how we never expected to find such an amazing friend in one another during this AmeriCorps adventure. Before she met me, Chris thought I was a tool. I'm a bit intense sometimes. I can't believe I sent her a several page long roommate questionnaire. So lame. But now she loves me, so there!

I admitted that I secretly wished she had invited me home for the holidays, and she admitted that she had secretly thought about it, but figured I wouldn't want to spend that much time with strangers.

At one point, I put my hair clip on my lower lip and said, "I can't feel my lips." You can see it all in it's sad, sad glory on Chris' blog.

We talked about some intimate things and really bonded. I cried at one point and we hugged. We both shared some private details about ourselves. It was so nice to allow myself to be vulnerable, and know that I was doing so with someone who would support me and not break my heart.

Chris is an amazing woman, and I'm so glad that I have been given the opportunity to get to know her. It saddens me, when I think about the fact that we will part, we will go home, and we wont be roommates anymore. Our lives are mapped out for different things. I can only hope that I won't fuck this up, and that I will put forth the effort, later down the line, to keep a connection with Chris. I look forward to traveling together, and holidays. Life is full of amazing people who come and go, that are like brilliant stars that make your life brighter when they are around. So in the night sky of my life, I know there will always be a feisty little star dancing in her own eclectic way, marking this adventure in my timeline.

Blogging in the Dark

2012-01-08T16:36:00.000-08:00

Oh my gosh, has it really been that long since I posted a somewhat meaningful blog? Ugh, yeah. Not much to report on the work front. Just making videos, fixing computers, building websites, and overall just being a creative and technical GENIUS!

The holiday break was cool and fairly uneventful - minus the "break in" scare. My roommate left the back door wide open, which I didn't discover until hours later, around 11pm. On the verge of tears, I search the house with a knife in my hand. I was a breath away from calling the police, but I didn't want to overreact and be the crazy woman calling the cops over something stupid. So I had a few restless nights as a result, where I would jump at every noise. It's not fun to be alone in the house for too long. Sam stayed over for Christmas Eve/Day, and we watched tv, ate and hung out. So that was cool. Other than that, I just watched a bunch of Supernatural, How I Met Your Mother, and some sappy chic flicks. I also got a lot work done on one of my client websites. Hopefully that one will be finished fairly soon.

New Years - sigh... so crazy. I went out with Sam, Catie and Mary. I had fun with them, and the night was nice. But then Flannary's Pub - ARGH! Ok, so at the beginning of the night we had dinner at Macado's. It was chip and sandwich kind of place. The waiter was a bit of a tard, and made me order a side of fries instead of substituting fries for chips. So I got way more than I could eat, and just left the plain ruffles there. Needless to say, I didn't tip much. Then we went to the Blues BBQ in downtown. It was awesome. Good atmosphere, nice bathroom, and great live band. At 11pm, Catie and Mary wanted to try Cornerstone, because they wanted to dance. There was a long line, so we tried Metro. It was playing douche-y music and the line was long with a $10 cover. So I said fuck it and went down the street to Flannary's. They eventually caught up with me, so I guess they decided a $10 cover was too much too. While I was waiting for Mary to finish at the ATM across the street, Sam and I were talking to some dude in front of the bar. He was joking about not needing to see our IDs. We were only half listening. Then Mary and Catie walked up and we all walked into the bar. As we walked in, some random looking guy with a drink asked for our IDs. I didn't think he was the real bouncer, and since some other guy was pretending to be a bouncer, I thought it was another joker. So we walked in, and next thing we know, the guy ran past us to the main bartender (owner?) and told him we refused to show ID. Then the bartender, barrels at me and starts SCREAMING for us to leave. I tried to tell him that we didn't know the guy was a real bouncer because there was a fake one out there too. He didn't care. He got right in my face and screamed for us to get out. So I walked towards the door and then he started yelling at Sam. He even pushed her a bit. She said fuck you and get your hands off me, and he put his hands behind his back. However he continued yelling. Then we he got all of us outside, he screamed for us to get off his property. It was so scary. He totally hulked out! So we just went back to the Blues BBQ for the champagne toast. Sam and I grabbed a cap home at about 12:10am. That loser at Flannary's ruined the night. I actually had a bad dream about him that night. Ugh. Freak. Now I don't want to ever go back there, which sucks, cause I thought the place was cool and wanted to show it off to Matty. It's not like we were a bunch of degenerates. He was freaking yelling at a group of young women!

My Outfit

Early in the night

Old pic, but you can see the outside area. We were talking with the fake bartender right next to the floor sign on the left of the image.

I was happy to go back to work, after all that time alone and all that drama. However, I found that first week back to be kinda difficult. I was tired, and wanted to nap every day. I'm also diving head first into Salesforce, and the program is a bit of a pain. I had to do some work today, to make the program easier for my boss Judy to input some donations. So far it's not a super intuitive program, and I'm worried about having to train other people on it.

This weekend was fun. Saturday I lounged while Chris and the gang went hiking. The local hikes are bit beyond my physical abilities right now, so it sucks that I miss out on all that bonding. That night, we all went out to dinner at Double Apple, a hooka bar. We had Grape Mint smoke, which was good at first, but quickly got a bit harsh. It was cool when it tingled my tongue. I ate some pita stuffed with spices, tomatoes and feta. It was not bad, but a bit dry. Would have been great if I had some Tzaziki to dip it in. After dinner, we went to Cornerstone for some drinks and dancing. I had a fairly strong rum and coke, that made my tummy gurgle a bit. Chris only let me sit down for a handful of songs before she dragged me kicking and screaming to the dance floor. At first I just stood there uncomfortably. But then they played Lady Gaga and I had no choice but to dance. I love dancing, but when people are constantly pushing and shoving to get around you, it's a bit annoying. We danced for at least 2 hours, and didn't leave the club until 1am. I'm surprised that I wasn't sore the next morning! I wore my new grey boots and they held up well. I didn't have bloody feet at the end of the night, so that's a plus.

I sat right there under the Skirt.

Today, I bathed (had to scrub the club off myself), watched tv and did laundry. Then Chris and I went and saw The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo at the theaters. It was pretty bad ass. Lisbeth was awesome, and I loved her style. I hear the swedish version from 2009 was better, so I will have to watch that on Netflix when I have the time to focus on subtitles. Then Amanda and Sam came over for dinner. Chris made a crock pot chili/stew and corn bread. It was pretty awesome. I miss corn bread; will have to make more.

Lack of Musical Scope

2011-12-29T20:29:00.000-08:00

I'm tracking the radio, to find out exactly how repetitive it is. Yes, I am that bored. Asterisks denote how many times I have heard the song. If there is no asterisk, then I've only heard it once tonight. From roughly 8pm to 11pm.

**Party Anthem (LMFAO)
**Stereo Hearts (Maroon Five)
***Found love in a Hopeless Place (Rhianna)
****Sexy and I know It (LMFAO)
**Love you like a love song (Selena Gomez)
**5 o'clock in the morning (T-Pain)
***You make me feel so la la la (Cobra Starship)
Super Bass (Niki Minaj)
Someone Like You (Adele, 8:45pm)
***The One That Got Away (Katy Perry)
**Music Sounds Better With You (Big Time Rush)
Ridin' Solo (Jason Derulo)
I Like it Like That (Hot Chelle Rae)
***It will Rain (Bruno Mars)
Sometimes I get a Good Feeling (Flo Rida)
**Set Fire to the Rain (Adele)
Down on me (50 Cent)
**Move Like Jaggar (Maroon Five, 9:30pm)
Mr. Know it All (Kelly Clarkson)
Without You (David Guetta)
Hot and Cold (Katy Perry)
**Nothing On You (BOB)
The Edge of Glory (Lady Gaga, 10:06pm)
Crash Your Party (Karmin)
Just A Kiss (Lady Antebellum)
Not Over You (Gavin Degraw)
Whatcha Say (Jason Derulo, 10:30pm)
DJ Got us falling in love again (Usher)
Blow (Kesha)

Christmas Thoughts

2011-12-21T18:06:00.000-08:00

After watching a couple Christmas shows, where friends realize how important they are to one another and other "true meaning of xmas stuff," the gravity of the season just came crashing down around me. I realized that this will be the THIRD year in a row, where I not be with my husband for xmas. It's crazy how much life and plans can get in the way of just being together. This will also be the SECOND christmas in the past 3 years, that I have spent completely alone. I see people around me making plans, packing, wrapping gifts, and it's all a little hard to take. I hate the commercialization and consumerism of christmas, but spirit of love and family has always been important to me. I'm jealous watching my circle of acquaintances and new friends prepare to be with their families; to see their faces light up when talking about doing their traditions. I feel raw, exposed, and so very much alone right now. It's amazing how much a person can miss something as "small" as human touch, but I'd give anything to curl into my husband's arms, bury my face into his chest and listen to his heartbeat. I'm glad tomorrow is the last day of work before the Christmas break, because I don't know how much longer I can hold myself together and smile. I swear, if another person says, "oh, you're going to be alone for xmas?" I'm going to punch them right in the nose.

I miss my family so much. It's hard not to cry.

My husband Matty, and Brownie.

What do you mean I'm not Wonder Woman?

2011-12-14T07:46:00.000-08:00

So I've had a cold that has been creeping under the radar for the past month or so. It rears it's ugly head on occasion, but overall hasn't really prevented me from doing many things. Until recently. The past few days I've been struggling to sleep because of the nasty cough, the nasty things that come up when I cough, and the nasty things that I sneeze. Yes it's buckets of fun folks! On top of that, ever time I get even remotely woken up by my coughing or inability to breathe, my bladder decides that it has been given the green light to need to pee. So I wake up the rest of the way, trot to the bathroom to pee, at a rate of 3-10 TIMES A NIGHT! So as you can imagine, 7 hours of sleep time, divided by 10 pee sessions and a sprinkling of random coughing fits and I am unable to reach the sleeping sweet spot required to function as a sane and productive human. This results in me being in a sort of zombie state at work, and nodding off at my desk around 1:30-2:00pm every afternoon. Did you know that someone in the later stages of total exhaustion, can fall asleep with their eyes open and while writing notes during a staff meeting? Some of my notes look like I was writing in some weird alien language full of half circles and swirls. It's pretty cool. I think the massive fidgeting, neck cracking, stretching, foot shaking, and pen tapping that I was doing to maintain consciousness during the meeting went totally unnoticed right? ... Hello? ....I'm right, right? *sigh*

I guess the only one I've been fooling is myself. Last night my body rebelled against me and slapped me with a headache so intense, that I actually went blind for a few moments. I'm just glad my roommates didn't hear me whimpering like a baby. Every time I coughed, breathed, or moved, the drum that was residing in my temples would pound even harder. I know it's cliche, but I really though my head was going to explode. People would think I blew my brains out. It would have been such a sad funeral. Anyway, I couldn't walk downstairs to get my Excedrin, so I put all my faith in Dayquil. It kinda helped, but the lingering headache is still there. I'm trying to work up the willpower to go into the kitchen to find my Excedrin right now. You can see how successful I am, in the fact that I'm still blogging. Ok, I'm going, I'm going.

...

Holy Mother of Grilled Cheesus, where is my headache medicine! I searched all my bags, my desk, my kitchen shelf, the bathroom - I can't find it anywhere. I hope I didn't leave it at work! I probably did. Great - just great.

Anyhoo, I'm taking this headache and lingering cold as a sign that I've been pushing myself too hard. I've been trying to be everything to everyone, always saying yes, hardly ever saying no. Overnight, I went from a sedentary lifestyle where I slept 12 hours a day and still took naps, to a life of go, go, go and do, do, do. The sad part is, I'm having fun being this person. I don't want to be the person I was before. I like being busy at work, it helps me power through the time when I'd usually be napping on the couch while watching a foreign movie on Netflix. I'm not used to working 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. Even though those hours are spent sitting at a computer, which I'm used to, there is a big difference between creating and thinking for 8 hours a day and playing Pioneerville on Facebook for 8 hours. I like doing yoga, going to the gym, doing crafts, hanging out with people. Perhaps I just imposed a little too much, too fast on my lazy, jelly-filled body.

Which is why I am home sick today, sucking down teas, Emergen-Cs and Cranberry Juice. It's time to give this machine a tune-up, so I get back out there and race! Oh geez that was so cheesy. If only I had a dog to cuddle with today.

She's Crafty - And She's Just My Type!

2011-12-13T19:38:00.000-08:00

Get ready for some pics, cause I'm feeling a bit lazy tonight!

Logo I created for a LEAP business

I made a bowl of buttons!

Black marks are my stencil marks - will not be on final

Cause I'm cool like that!

Future floor rug, the size of a dining room table.

Time to practice balancing!

Caught being cute this morning!

Look ma, no hands!

Both showing off some new threads.

Happy Birthday Surprise

The gang on Annette's Birthday

And because my roommate wants "something to read" to pass the time, here's a little prose for you. It's a little over the top, but I had to keep with the nautical theme once I started it. Inspired by the few lovelies I have in my life. You may be few, but you take up a mighty big chunk of my heart. I miss you!

“Floating in a sea of twisted minds and hopeless dreamers, it seems impossible for like minds to meet. Sadly, too often such melding of souls are like fleeting ships meeting in the night; to touch one another briefly until the current pulls them away. With such horrible odds for a chance encounter, it would be a waste to allow the current to pull us away. Like a lighthouse shining over rough waters, I leave my light on for you. I will guide you to safe harbor. I will stand by your side through your trials. All you have to do is reach out and grab my outstretched hand.”

Finally, I will end with an inspirational quote that I try to live my life by.

What another would have done as well as you, do not do it. What another would have said as well as you, do not say it; what another would have written as well, do not write it. Be faithful to that which exists nowhere but in yourself-and thus make yourself indispensable.
~Andre Gide

E'er Day I'm Shuffling

2011-12-11T15:45:00.001-08:00

I finished both final exams this morning while Chris went to Church. After that I dined on taquitos. Yum. Then I chatted with Matt for a bit and gave him a virtual tour of the house.
*cue sound of record scratch*

MANDATORY DANCE PARTY!

We danced the sundown. Well she did. I mostly had a panic attack.

That is all you need to know about today.

Thinking really hard for this one

2011-12-08T18:38:00.001-08:00

So it's been a fairly mellow week. Since I finished both of the websites on my to do list, I find myself searching for things to do at work. So I've been helping out with little projects and trying to familiarize myself with Salesforce - the database program that our nonprofits use. I've also started working on some marketing materials for some of the LEAP ladies. Check out my work website for more information about the LEAP program. I will post my work soon.

I'm really enjoying my time getting to know my coworkers and roommates. I FINALLY found a greek restaurant in town, but the food was about a 3 out of 5. The pitas where kinda dry and of the store bought variety. So far my favorite greek food was from Ali Baba's in Tucson. The Big Fat Greek Restaurant is a close second. Here is a pic of me and the gals at the restaurant. It had an awesome vibe with live piano music, twinkle lights and a chill atmosphere. Definitely a place I'd like to eat at monthly. Can't remember the name though. Something Mediterranean.

We baked cupcakes tonight. They are chocolate and cinnamon goodness with cream cheese icing. They are for our boss' birthday tomorrow. Ok, before you claim that I'm a lazy foodie, I also did yoga first thing after work. I also went to the gym with Chris yesterday. So suck it.

So do I have any deep insights into my soul that I'd like to share with you? I gotta think about it. I'm really glad that I met Chris. She brings out the better parts of my personality and inspires me to want to do more. For example, I, on my own, would not think to trek up that horrible hill just to walk to the library and back. But I can't say no to that purty face. So when she suggests it, I grumble, moan, curse, spit, hiss, and get off my ass and go walk to the damn library with her. The exercising is still tough. It still hurts. My lungs still burn. However, it's not so bad because I have her smiling next to me. Now to add a little sappy on top of this love cake, I feel like she could be a best friend. I'll just have to follow her across the country, so I don't go back to my evil ways. :)

I'm trying not to jinx it by letting too much of my crazy show at once.

Here's a flashback for ya!

On a side note, I hope you are in a good place Billy. It's been a year (on 11/22) since you died. I'm sorry we didn't patch things up before you left. See you on the other side Unc. This blog is dedicated to you.

Yeah, I made this. In Gimp. Took so long. I had to reconstruct the bottom half of the motorcycle and his leg.

How did they find me???

2011-12-02T20:34:00.001-08:00

girlyxrachael2: hey you

me: who are you?

girlyxrachael2: hey i was just sitting here soooo bored and thought i'd say hii..

21.f here what about u??

me: This what you said last time. Who are you?

How did you find me?

11:27 PM girlyxrachael2: oh cool what ya up 2????

me: Why is a raven like a writing desk?

girlyxrachael2: heyy

its so lame on here now. there's hardly anyone on anymore it seems like u know???

hey i was just sitting here soooo bored and thought i'd say hello..

21.f here what about u???

me: I'm hungry.

11:28 PM girlyxrachael2: weIIII i have an idea if u wanna have sum fun!!! i was gonna get on my cam and "relax" a lil u should cum join ;)

ahh ok what's up????

i joined this sweet sitethat is just like facebook but minus the dumb trolls.. wanna check it out????

me: I prefer trolls to bots.

girlyxrachael2: it's so lame on here now.. there's hardly anyone around anymore it seems like u know??

it only takes asecond to signup and it's 100 percent free 2!!! http://twurl.nl/cadstf just click the ''join Free' at the top of thepage

11:29 PM once you signup u'll be allgood and u can join my private chat and tell me what 2 do ;)

me: Did your father beat you as a child?

girlyxrachael2: welll l have an idea if u wanna have sum fun!!!! i was gonna get on my cam and "relax" a lil u should cum join ;)

yea you do need a credit card of sum kind but they wiII NOT charge u a thing!!!!!!

me: Try to lick your elbow!

girlyxrachael2: i found this sweet sitethat is just like f-book but without the annoying kids.. wanna check it out????

i can't wait this is going to be soo much fun.. wait till u see what i'm wearing right now lol i think u'll like it;)

11:30 PM me: I'm gonna piss myself

girlyxrachael2: lt only takes asec. to signup and it's 100% free 2!!! http://twurl.nl/wkooez just click the ''Join free' at the top of thepage

are u in hun? i'm going to go get some "toys" but ill brb and hopefully u'll be in when i get back hurry uppp

once you signup u'll be allgood and you can join my private chat and tell me what 2 do

11:31 PM me: Oh rachael. You poor child. I must go now.

Have fun with your toys and cuming and whatnot.

girlyxrachael2: yeah you do need a c.c. of sum kind but they wiII NOT charge u a thing!!!!!

me: You are adamant. I will give you that.

11:32 PM girlyxrachael2: l can not wait this is going to be so much fun.. wait till u see what i'm wearing right now lol i think u'll like it;-)

me: Now I will block you. You silly little minx.

girlyxrachael2: are u in babe? i'm going to go get some "toys" but ill brb and hopefully u'll be in when i get back hurry uppp

Holla like a Motha

2011-12-02T17:14:00.001-08:00

Ok, that was weird. So It's been a week since my last post and what have I to show for myself? Well I finished my work's website, and if I do say so, it's pretty freakin awesome. I rocked that biotch like a boss!

I also made several videos for my work website. You can see them all on TAF's YouTube Page: http://www.youtube.com/user/TAFoundation.

So now that I'm a big badass at work, I find myself with nothing to do there. Can you believe I've done what is supposed to be several months worth of work in 3 weeks?!? Otherwise it's been a pretty dull week.

Last night was a silent auction charity fundraiser at work. Chris has been working her ass off in preparation for this event, and I'm sad to report, it wasn't as successful as either of us hoped. Over half of the items up for bid didn't receive any bids, or received bids under the starting bid. I worked the bar, and served up wine and beer all night. It's amazing how beer from a keg manages to get everything sticky. There was an awesome buffet though! I only munched on the most wicked teriyaki chicken wings. Chris and I joked about doing subliminal messaging the guests *Drink more, Bid more!*

As a group, us VISTAs bid on a 3 night stay at a fancy house on a lake in Smith Mountain, Virginia. We won. So that will be a cool experience. For $22 bucks each, we get a kick ass weekend of bonding and fun.

After the silent auction was a christmas parade right outside our work. So we were stuck there. What kind of smal town has a parade that lasts an hour and a half! Then when we were finally able to escape, we discovered that the road home was blocked. We drove all over trying to find a way around. About 30 minutes later we finally made it home - a home that is only 1 mile away from work! Ugh that was so frustrating.

I talked a bit with a reporter who's doing a story about Crystal, TAF and our living situation. They think it will be an uplifting story to write about how Crystal's life has changed and how we interact with one another. So for the next few weeks there will be a reporter and photography roaming work and our house. It should be pretty cool.

So I made spinach quiche the other night. That was a big hit. Tonight I made Cheese, black olive, and Mushroom Enchiladas with green sauce, that turned into a giant cheese ball. Sharp cheddar isn't the best for enchiladas. Hopefully the cheese ball will be good with eggs in the morning.

It was a good week. I'm getting closer to my roomies, doing yoga almost every night, eating well, and being a success at work. This is so much better than being a lump on a log at home. Everything would be perfect if I had my ma and man nearby hug. I miss my family.

And now for some pictures.

Thanksgiving part Deux

2011-11-25T16:40:00.001-08:00

I woke up at 7am, saw Chris still asleep, went back to sleep and slept in until 8:30. Shit, Shower, and a Never Shave later, I was down stairs for my sacred bowl of cinnamon life cereal. I could eat that everyday. Today was a lot lazier than yesterday. No furniture moving. But at least I managed a shower! I had to take a test I was postponing, so after acing that I moved on to more important things - like hulu. Chris made the most audacious request ever, actually asking me if I'd walk to the library with her! How crazy is that. The nerve of some people!

Anyway, avoiding a real answer, enough time went by for Chris to start to wonder if the library was even open. A quick google search and unanswered phone call, we decided they weren't open. So into the car we go to drop off books. hehe. I dodged that sweaty bullet! Then we checked out 2 thrift stores looking for stuff to decorate our yoga room. We found a cool curtain that's a bit short, but I think with some creative cutting, we can make it work.

Then Chris decided I really needed to sweat, and mentioned hiking. I, high on crisp clean air blowing through the car window, agreed that hiking sounded fun. So we stopped off at the house, did some more google searching and decided to check out the Virginia Experience Park.

Ten minutes later, armed with water, lunch and our cameras, we were in the car and headed for the Blue Ridge Parkway. It's a lovely drive, which I imagine to be even more lovely during the spring. We stopped at 2/3 of the scene view points, and took silly pictures.

Soon we arrived at the park, and soon we were disappointed. "Open year round, 7 days a week" the website said. LIARS! "Closed til spring" was more like it. We walked in one giant circle, involving one breathless hill, just to go back to the car. None of the trails were marked, and there was no map on the visitor center door. So we had no real choice but to leave.

We drove a bit down the parkway, saw some cool rock bridges and eventually stopped to eat lunch on a hill over looking the road. I'm sure we were trespassing, but oh well. We had envisioned rolling down the hill, like we used to in elementary school, but on closer inspection, it was lots of twigs and scratchy weeds.

We ate lunch and fun companionable conversation, that ended with me telling Chris there was a fat spider inside her book. Then I saw a big spider on my leg. Then we both got up and did a weird shaking off dance as we realized we could have been covered in creepy crawlies. That was the end of THAT adventure.

We drove home, and I was sad the cruise was ending. I love going for long drives. I also missed Matthew, cause we have great cruising conversations.

The rest of the evening was spent lounging around and talking to family on the phone. We had dinner, Crystal, Chris and I, which was really thanksgiving part deux. It was fun to hang out, giggle at the baby, and get to know one another better.

We will try our hands (and feet) at yoga again in about a half hour. So I will go for now. Need to rest up before I "relax" with downward dog.

Thanksgiving 2011

2011-11-25T16:22:00.001-08:00

Now that the experience of thanksgiving in Virginia has had time to marinate in my head, I guess it's time to tell y'all about it.

So I got up around 8:30, had breakfast and did my thang. Chris was already in the kitchen starting on her beans and triple berry pie. Once I knew that Crystal was awake, I proceeded to make a plan for the redecorating of our boss' office. First thing I did was put away any little things that were lying around the room. Then I boxed up her photos to keep them safe. After that I piled up all her loose paperwork and put it away in a cabinet. I reorganized the bookcase and then started moving the furniture out of the room. It was like Benny Hill, us running around the house. We tried to use the meeting table as a kitchen table, after moving the heavy glass table outside, but then decided we liked the glass one better. So I broke it down and we moved it into the basement. We worked up quite a sweat!

The end result was awesome! So we now have our own yoga room.

After that, it was time to finish cooking.

The meal was awesome and we ate like kings. Afterwards, we beached ourselves on the couch and watched tv on hulu. Chris then had a conversation with her family on skype while I made coffee. A couple hours of guilty laziness, we took off for CVS and Walmart. I printed some pics of Crystal and her baby. At walmart we got some yoga mats and candles. Walmart was insane! They had isles roped off, and it was like a maze to find anything. Psycho people were there at 9pm, to wait for a 12am sale. That's just consumerism at it's most disgusting. It's sick that people will trample one another over a $20 toy. Anyway, that night we did a "relaxing," "beginners" yoga video that had some crazy moves that nearly broke my arm. It was awesome, all three of us in there exercising together. I look forward to attempting yoga daily.

After yoga, we ate some more berry pie - like a boss! We then spent some time having craft-gasms over pinterest and instructables. We are planning to do some pretty awesome crafts together. All while listening to some old school christmas music, and dub step christmas music.

Finally, near 12am, I laid down on my bed and passed out within 60 seconds.

What She Said...

2011-11-24T15:25:00.001-08:00

Gotta check out Chris's blog, cause I'm sure she said what we did today much better than I could, at least for now.
http://mountains-and-coffee.blogspot.com/

This is Us - I'm Abed, She's Troy (Yes we are THAT weird together):

EDIT: On a side note, we are sitting and writing our blogs next to one another like idiots. Giggling about how naughty the pie was, dropping off the "kids," and how we should eventually do our own version of Troy and Abed in the Morning.

I swear I will write about this day properly. Until then, I will blow your mind with this:

Time for week 1

2011-11-18T14:18:00.001-08:00

So surprisingly, I wasn't overwhelmed by my first few days of work. I came into the experience pretty confident, mostly because I know I was going to be doing web design. It's something I know, so I didn't fear it.

HOWEVER!

Ok, so there was a bit of drama getting me from PSO to Virginia. My flight was delayed by 2 hours, so I wasn't sure if I was going to have a ride from the airport or not. I couldn't get ahold of Sam, and Atlanta airport doesn't offer free internet, so I had to pay $8 to get online and facebook her. When I finally landed, it was dark in Roanoke and Sam still hadn't gotten ahold of me. So I sat inside the airport for a bit, sweating and worrying. Then when I finally decided to take my bags outside to see if anyone was waiting for me, and tiny little cute blond walked inside and introduced herself. It was Julie, one of the other VISTAS.

I had be invited to go to a surprise b-day for Sam, but after all that stressing, I declined and decided to just go straight home. When I arrived at the house, Julie and I discovered there was no phone or internet. So I was stranded with no communication to the outside world. Thank goodness Julie let me keep her phone overnight.

So there I was. In a new house. At night. Alone. I was a bit creeped out. But at least I got to explore my surroundings without anyone in my way. The room with the desk, which I had requested, didn't have a closet, but it did have attic access. Yes I did go in the attic. It was mostly filled with xmas decor. The other free bedroom, had a closet and a dresser, and I realized that my room did not have enough space for clothes, but I couldn't fit the desk and the dresser in my room. So I took the other room with the closet, and moved the dresser into the other room. So my room has 3 windows and a closet door that sticks.

I slept horribly that night.

The next day, Julie came over and took me grocery shopping. I got some essentials, that have so far lasted me 2 weeks. Then we went to Wendy's for lunch and then back to her place. We hung out for a bit and I got to meet Dana, Catie and Mary, her roommates. After a bit we went to the Roanoke Museum, where we met up with Sam, Matt, and Amanda. After doing the museum thing, we went for coffee, and then back to the house so we could be here in time to help Christina move in. I know sooo many names.

Me and the gang during a dinner we had during week 2. I know wrong blog post. Get over it!

I felt bad because the WHOLE VISTA gang was there to help her move in, and it was a big overwhelming. After we loaded her stuff in the house, we all went to B-(W)dub (Buffalo Wild Wings) for dinner. Christina's dad was with us too. He's a cool guy.

Shortly after that, Marguerite showed up at the house, the third VISTA roomie. That weekend there was a lot of unpacking and cleaning. Christina, her dad and I tackled the kitchen that Sunday. I scrubbed the cabinets, cleaned the counters, and boxed up random stuff for about an hour that morning before they joined me. It took all day to make the kitchen usable for us!

Christina's dad was a real big help. He helped us move boxes, unclog drains, and he even cleaned out our packed mudroom. He even made dinner for everyone one night. Very cool.

The first week was mostly about getting to know my roomies and co-workers. My roomies and I had dinner together/cooked and ate at the same time, and initially the talk was pretty superficial. "Where did you go to school?" "How many siblings do you have?" Thankfully we are all starting to relax, which leads to some cool evening conversations.

*Picture to right - Chris on our porch. I stole it from her facebook. Yeah I'm a stalker.

I'm Stalking My Roomie...

2011-11-18T13:53:00.001-08:00

I just said that cause she follows my blog and I wanted to weird her out. Yeah we roll like that. So I'm writing week 2 before I write week 1, because it will be easier for me to stroll backwards through time.

Today we had our VISTA Retreat, which was a sort of team building and food extravaganza. My VL (VISTA Leader) went all out and has been working her ass off all week to plan this thing. There were even cool gift bags at the end. I learned a lot, met some cool people, and got to take home leftover bagels. All in all, good day.

The panel on Poverty was really enlightening. It was made up of people who live in poverty, but are working hard to get out. What I found interesting were their definitions of Poverty - "feels like a punishment," "lack of support," "lack of confidence," etc. Never once did they mention that it was a lack of financial resources or a good job. The causes of poverty ran far and wide, and helped me realize (again) that anything can make anyone experience poverty. I wrote down some good quote, but I left my binder at work. I will have to update later. I was just inspired by the panel and I felt hope for humanity.

Thursday was tough. I think I was having a pre-menstrual moment, or maybe I was a bit homesick. A lot of the gals in the office like to gchat with one another. They were laughing all around me and making plans, which made me feel left out. I was getting pretty annoyed and had to take a few deep breaths. No one likes to feel like they are being ignored or unwanted, and that's how they made me feel. However, like I said, I was having a day of weakness, so I was feeling things a little more intensely than normal.

This week I think I've pretty much finished the website for the Thrift Store. It's got a cool xmas theme right now, but I will update it to a more country shabby chic after the holidays. I GUESS if you are reading my blog, you are cool enough to see the website. It's at www.charitycottagethriftstore.com.

The website for the foundation is and had been more of a battle. I have to get content from many different people, and quite frankly most of them are not good about responding to my emails. So that one is going to take some time. I am working on a cool interactive element for the website, which will be a map of the country with little blips on it that show where each VISTA for our foundation came from. I'm hoping it will be a cool way to show the reach of the foundation, and how people from all over the country have come together to fight poverty.

I've also been making lots of custom graphics, so this experience has definitely given me an opportunity to hone my skills. Doing web/graphics design for 8 FREAKING hours a day is exhausting! But I'm having fun and I get to work with chill people.

Annette and Judy (Da bosses) are truly an inspiration, and I love how passionate they are about the work we do.

My three roommates are quirky and cool. Thank GAWD! I'm so glad they are not "normal", repressed or psycho! We get along great, and somehow manage to dance around each other in the kitchen without pissing each other off. Their personalities are really starting to show, and we are starting to relax in the house. I think it will be a good year.

PSO Day 1

2011-11-01T19:04:00.000-07:00

I apologize ahead of time for the bad grammar. Get over it.

Oh HO what a day. So flight went well. Landed early at 1:30pm EST. S'all good. Then I go to get my PREPAID round trip ticket for the shuttle to my hotel, and they don't have it. So The ticket girl is making lots of calls. They can't figure it out. 2:20, another AmeriCorps guy walks up, and they don't have his ticket. More calls ensue. So me and Javier hang out and chat. Lots of apologies later, the managers show up and start yelling at people. 3:40, I am finally on the shuttle.

THEN the new guy who's tagging along with the driver, mistakenly gave our roundtrip tickets to someone else. The new guy also miscounted the stubs he had on hand, so he thinks he doesn't have the tickets that were supposed to go to the other people. So now there are 2 missing tickets. Driver says he will pay for our return tickets if he has to. Then a twenty minute conversation over walkie with the driver of the other car, who has the people who got our tickets. Just to find out new guy miscounted and he does have the other people's stubs. So now all that needs to happen is they are switched out. So the driver promises that he will drop off our tickets tonight or tomorrow. GAH!

So now it's 4pm and the new guy tells the driver that he has to make a stop at the Omni hotel, only we don't, so we drove a bit out of our way to get there only to not have to stop. So as the driver is leaving the Omni hotel, he drives over this low lying fence and tears the bottom of the van door. HOLY SHIT. Door barely opens now.

At this point, I'm thinking I should put on my seat belt. Not even five minutes later, we make a left at an intersection, to have a car on the right drive through the light and barely miss hitting us by inches.

I didn't get to my hotel until 4:45ish.

After that I do the check in and whatnot. The meal was good and I met a few interesting people. A few of them went out tonight, but I opted for a swim, shower, and a bit of internet time. Now I'm geeking and creeping to find the people I met tonight on facebook.

Edit: I was just informed that the hotel booked me and my roomie in the wrong type room. Apparently everyone else is in 2 bed ROOM suites with kitchen and washer/dryer, whereas I'm in a 2 bed 1 room suite with no amenities. Ugh what a day. Guess they will move us in the morning.

I got cool video footage of the rooftop pool. I'll update this and add the video as soon as it's done uploading.

Sleepless Night

2011-10-31T20:14:00.000-07:00

So I leave first thing in the morning tomorrow. It's always hard to say goodbye to my husband. I hate leaving him, but it will be worth it to have a job and an income. I'm just glad I have the opportunity to help put him through college like he did me.

These last few days, as my anxiety for leaving has grown, I've been finding more reasons to hold his hand or rub his neck. It's tough and it sucks. All I can do to keep from crying is to focus past leaving him and on the job ahead. As long as I don't let me thoughts linger on tomorrow morning, then it doesn't hurt as much.

I'll also miss the kiddies. They are growing so fast, and now that they are pre-teens, they are actually interesting to hang out with. Gwen will be 9, serenity 5 and cyrus 11 when I get back. My how time flys.

Housing...Check!

2011-10-14T21:09:00.000-07:00

Housing

So my housing situation has been solved. I will be living in a house provided by the organization I will be working for. I will be living there with 2 other women who are also Vistas. It is a charming 1930s bungalow in a great neighborhood - convenient to shopping, bus line, and the office. The whole back yard is paved parking. There are 3 bedrooms and one large bath upstairs, a kitchen, living/dining and a 1/2 bath on the main level, an enclosed back porch, and basement storage and laundry. It has hardwood floors throughout and includes a washer and dryer, storage space, front porch swing, full kitchen and a fireplace. The house is approximately 1800 square feet. The organization is even going to furnish the house for us. YEAH!

I'm still waiting on my itinerary for the PSO.

In the meantime, I've just been kicking back and enjoying my time with Matthew. We've been watching quite a few shows in marathons: The Colony, Supernatural, Robot Chicken, Fringe. I'm also working to get ahead in the two classes I'm taking this semester. The more I get done before I have to move, the better. I also just booked two web designs that I HAVE to finish before I leave. One is a webstore - so that will be a challenge. The other is just a revamping/updating for an old client. I'm happy to be making some cash before I go, as money is very tight right now. We've had to dip into our savings, which I hope to fill back up with the money I'm making from these two web clients.

Right this second, I'm sitting on the couch with a lovely feta and artichoke pizza, watching Secret Diary of a Call Girl on Tv-links.eu. Yeah, I'm really productive. I'd get more done if I could watch my fav shows on Netflix, so I could watch on the TV and not on my laptop. It's not my fault I can't watch shows on my laptop and work on my laptop at the same time. It's a conspiracy!

Viva la Vista?

2011-09-27T22:48:00.000-07:00

VISTA = Volunteers in Service to America.

What is AmeriCorps VISTA?

VISTA is the national service program designed specifically to fight poverty. Founded as Volunteers in Service to America in 1965 and incorporated into the AmeriCorps network of programs in 1993, VISTA has been on the front lines in the fight against poverty in America for 40 years.

What do VISTA members do?AmeriCorps VISTA members serve full-time for a year in anti-poverty organizations and agencies throughout the nation, working on issues such as fighting illiteracy, improving health services, creating businesses, increasing housing opportunities, improving college access, and bridging the digital divide.
VISTAs perform indirect service, which means they help build the capacity of organizations to deliver valuable direct services to people living in poverty. VISTAs typically create new programs, write grants, and recruit volunteers. For example, a VISTA could establish a tutoring program, recruit and train volunteers, and raise money for the program—but would not tutor the children.

Continuing
So I sent in my Travel forms today. Tomorrow I get to fill out paperwork online for taxes and direct deposit. You know, the usual fair. I'll also have to fill out registration and training forms. Then I get to sit back and wait a good three weeks until I get my travel itinerary from the state office. Thank goodness AmeriCorps is footing the bill to fly me out to training and the job site. I've saved some money to cover initial expenses, and it's nice to know my flight wont have to be one of them.

Training
Training, or PSO, or Pre Service Orientation takes place in Atlanta at some hotel. Meals and room are provided and paid for by the powers that be. It will be 4 fun filled days of videos, speakers, break out sessions and kumbayas. The purpose of the PSO is to introduce Vistas to the mission, history, roles and responsibilities of the program. I'll have a roommate, which makes me a bit nervous. Guess I will have to make sure I remember my breathe-right strips. lol I feel sorry for whomever they team me up with. I'm a snorer!

I'm guessing I will be flying out on Oct 31st...woohoo Halloween. I hope to get a flight where the stewards dress up in costumes. That'd be awesome.

Jeez, Moving Again?!?

2011-09-26T22:31:00.000-07:00

Yes, I am. So after being back in Arizona for almost a year, I am moving back to the East Coast. I tried looking for work both in Prescott and in Tucson to no avail. About a month ago, I decided to look into serving with AmeriCorps again, this time with my husband's blessing. While Matthew is happily attending architecture school, and looks forward to the next 5 years of his degree program, he has agreed that it's not fair to expect me to sit on my ass at home with nothing to do. So, 1 application and 3 phone interviews later I got accepted into AmeriCorps.

My Assignment
I will be working for a Non-Profit in Virginia. I will be the IT Vista, which means I will be handling their web design, social networking and other tech projects. Here is the description provided by my Vista leader: "The IT Vista would have the opportunity to work with all of the nonprofit clients and Vista sites the foundation serves. Like you saw, our website is less than perfect, (some of our partner organizations are in the same boat), and we have not even uncovered the surface of what we and our nonprofit clients can do with facebook and twitter. We also have the database, Salesforce, that I had mentioned, which the 3 nonprofits that we work with who work with it, are struggling with keeping it up to date and pertinent to the work they're doing." There is a Pre-Service Orientation in Atlanta, November 1-4, and work begins on the 7th.

Housing
Ahhh This has been and will continue to be a big headache. I'm monitoring craigslist like a stalker, and I've posted a profile on some roommate finding website. Because I will be receiving poverty-level pay during my year of service, I have to find housing that is super cheap, but not in a ratty neighborhood. I'm hoping one of the other gals who is starting her Vista position the same time as me, will want to be my roommate. This way combined, we could afford a nicer place.

In Over My Head?
I'm starting to wonder that. The more I research about AmeriCorps and the area I'm moving to, the more worried I get. Apparently it's common for members to get disenchanted and depressed within a month of starting their service, especially if they have travelled far from home. Part of this is due to the treatment of Vistas. Common complaints include, being treated like a child, being ignored, having nothing to do, having too much to do, being yelled at, etc. Vistas also have problems adjusting to their meager pay. Hmm much to think about.

My goal is to try to remember to blog often, so I can document this journey. I'm not promising anything... :)

Weight watchers - not all it's cracked up to be

2011-04-01T22:08:00.000-07:00

So after 3 months of weight watchers, and counting points I have lost 5 lbs. Not worth it. After analyzing how I eat for these past few months, I know my weight loss problem is due to a lack of exercise. So that said, I'm not renewing weight watchers, rather I'm going to focus on fitness. So that's the plan.

Are you kidding me? The Scent of a Woman is finally bottled!

2011-03-27T02:05:00.000-07:00

Vulva Original

Sounds like a...hmm. It's not what you think. This is a real product. It's not a perfume but it's a bottle of "vagina smell." That's right. Horny men everywhere can now rub the smell of a vagina on their hands to enhance...whatever it is they are doing. Check out this weird product at www.vulva-original.com. I swear I'm not kidding. The commercial is... see it for yourself.

Plateaus and Weight Watchers

2011-03-20T22:03:00.000-07:00

So for the last month or so, I've been stuck on this plateau where I've bounced between 276 and 273. Boy is it frustrating. I actually missed the last 2 weigh-ins because I didn't want to see my lack of forward momentum.

But, last monday I went out and finally bought a bike. I took a taxi to the store so I would have no choice but to ride it home (2.6 Miles). OMG my **** hurt SO bad! It was like someone repeatedly hit me in the sits bones. Plus the seat wasn't on tight enough and whenever I would hit a bump it would slam back down to the lowest position, which would put my knees up near my big belly! That was a frustrating ride home. I rode the bike again on Tuesday, to my sister's house (2.9 Miles). I then spent the week hanging out with my sister (spring break) and playing with her kids. I rode home a different route on Saturday (2.2 Miles).

So I rode 7.7 miles in my first week. Not bad for an "according to BMI morbidly obese" woman.

Anyway, moral of the story, I woke up, Sunday and weighed 269! The plateau can suck it!

Stephanie

Road Trips and Weight Watchers

2011-02-04T22:01:00.000-08:00

So I went on a road trip this week, to California. I started out well intentioned, and packed lots of nice healthy foods and snacks. However, when you are on the road for over 12 hours straight, you know you are gonna stray with sodas, energy drinks and fast food. Dang Der Wienerschnitzels! I'm not going to weigh myself early, to see the damage I did, rather I will wait until Sunday. Hopefully I will be able to reverse some of the damage over the next 2 days. lol.

I walked 2.4 miles last night to a friends house. It was hilly and cold out. But I did good, never stopped and found myself having fun. Having someone to walk with makes all the difference in the world. However, next time, I wont do it when it's less than 20 degrees outside. BRRRR!

Week 3 Weight Watchers

2011-01-25T22:00:00.000-08:00

So things seemed to be going good. Week 1 weigh in showed I lost 4.6 lbs. Then week 2 weigh in showed I gained 1.6. So I'm at week 3 with only 3 lbs officially lost. ARGH! It's the **** exercise thing thats sabotaging me. I'm eating well. Some days I only eat 28 points, and most I stay within my goal. I've never really been an overeater. So...what now. I better have a good weigh in this week or I will be frustrated and sad. I ordered a bike thing. It lets you pedal under your desk. I'm hoping that since I have such a hard time getting my eyes of the tv, that I can at least pedal while sitting on my **** I also bought the new george foreman that has the interchangeable plates. I'm so excited to play around with that and grill some veggies. I found a store that sells gourmet vinegars and oils and I'm super excited to try them out on some veggies and salads. One combo of vinegar and oil is a walnut oil with a red apple vinegar. Together they taste like candy, but it's super healthy. It's from a store called Olive U Naturally. You GOTTA try these oils. They are pricey but ooooohhhh so good. http://oliveunaturally.com/

Day One Weight Watchers

2011-01-10T21:59:00.000-08:00

New Year, New Me OR BUST! This is it. This is the year. I'm turning 30 this year and I don't want to be 30 and fat. So here I am, 80 lbs to go by June if I want to be 200. That would be the lightest I've been since I was 18. 80lbs to go. That's not too much. 4lbs a week. One day at a time, One meal at a time, One decision at a time. I can do this.

Today was the official day one. The points thing seems tough. I ate one can of progresso chicken corn chowder soup today and used up all my points! Thank goodness grapes don't count as points. So I guess this week is all about figuring out what foods don't use up a lot of points - and learning to not eat an entire can of soup.

EDIT: I was being a tard and logging my food in wrong. I was entering the calories instead of the carbohydrates. Now that that's figured out. I will return you to the blog.

For the most part, before WW, I was eating under 1500 calories a day since November 2010. That was working fairly well as I started at 296.5 and I'm now 277.8. Of course it helped that I got strep throat in December and couldn't eat solid foods for a week. lol.

My challenge for myself this week is to get off the couch and get outside. It's still really cold out, but nothing like it was a month ago. So I'll suit up, put on my shape up shoes, and walk for a while. I'm hoping the library is an easy walk away, cause then I could make my walks worth while and pick up some books while I'm out.

So that's the plan for this week. As always, I'm focusing one day at a time, one meal at a time, one decision at a time.

NaNoWriMo

2010-11-02T08:13:00.000-07:00

Ok, So I'm finally going to do it. It's my only real goal this month. To sit my ass down and write 100 pages of a novel. Enter NaNoWriMo, the National Novel Writing Month, which challenges everyone to write 50,000 words in one month. That's about 1700 words a day or about 3 pages. Day one was a bit of a cheat, cause I counted the words I had already written years ago. You see, I decided to flesh out a dream that I wrote down years ago. So. Wish me luck!

http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/user/735371

The Many Faces of INFJ

2010-08-16T19:52:00.001-07:00

This came from an INTP forum. Damn you INTP's trying to figure us out :) This is a little long but interesting.
http://personalitycafe.com/infj-articles/19817-many-faces-infj.html

Preface:
The INFJ personality type is by in large most misunderstood type. This is mainly do to the incompetence of MBTI implementation, by introducing personality types by a single description. Nobody was ever meant to match up perfectly to a single description. The MBTI descriptions are really only describing what the personality type will be like if they have only their top two functions developed. You see if a personality has well developed lower functions, or a well developed Tertiary and under developed Auxiliary, then they will contradict the description. The only real way to grasp a personality type is if you took a whole free range of many different models of said personality type, and let people swim around in it. But you can't really do that on the internet, or in a book now can you? This is why I advise you all to stop relying on matching people to internet descriptions, and start experiencing the Cognitive functions and personality types on your in, in the real world.
Now while just about every type is in some way misunderstood to the vast majority of the MBTI community, the INFJ in particular was hit the hardest. There is an interesting phenomenon with the INFJ that I am pointing out in this thread: Depending on how an INFJ has developed, they can express their use of cognitive functions in ways that are radically different than other INFJ. There are INFJ that seem like T's, or S's, INFJs that seem like Extroverts or even Ps. INFJs that want to go out and save the world, and then INFJs that just want to shit on everything. The purpose of this thread is to introduce you into the possible models that INFJs in the world can turn out to be. Some them good, some of them bad, some of them just plain weird. While I am splitting INFJs into sub-types in this thread, keep in mind that none of them are a single sub-type, some of these sub-types mark a single ability that every INFJ has access to. This thread only explores the possible forms one might take when they are using the Ni-Fe-Ti-Se apparatus.

The Academic:

This kind of INFJ is more often than not, confused for an INTJ, or even INTP. They still want to change the world and progress man kind in some way, but sometimes you got to play by science’s rules to cover any ground. While their focus in some way is usually still on people, they approach their research from a very academic and scientific stand point, without necessarily going out to personally teach the world in the INFJ mentor like way you would expect. Naturally these INFJs have a very well developed Ti, so well developed that they themselves would consider themselves thinkers before considering themselves feelers. But make no mistake; this is not Ni-Te they are using. Ni-Fe has a very distinct perception of worldview, and it can be maybe sense out of in a very logical manner using their Ti tertiary. But it is still just Ti’ed Ni-Fe. The Academics often do not use their Fe as warmly as the others might, this is for two reasons: Academia is srs bsns and when delivering facts and upholding an aura of authority, you don’t to look like a used car sales man. This is also because while they are talking, they are often running what they are going to say through Ti in real time, just to make sure everything is locally coherent. When you use Ti it withdrawals us from the world of personal connections, so it will actually deadpan and drop the emotion on your face (being an INTP myself, that is one I know all too well). If you grew up around a lot of Ti users, you are probably going to come out pretty similar to this, as an INFJ. Considering from day one, you really needed to have your theories tightened up in order for anyone to take you seriously. Sure it might have been brutal at first, but look at the bright side, now you have a really sweet Ti to help you take on the world with!
The Method Actor

“Everybody knows you never go full retard”

This one right here, my friends, might just be the reason you INFJs have been documented as the rarest of types. Oh the power of the persona, when you project and image, people will create your identity based on that image, regardless of what is actually going on in your head. This marks an extremely uncanny ability that you INFJ folk have. The INFJ can invent an character within their Ni-Fe. They can write an entire story of their life, their family, their experience, their fears, their motivations, their quirks and mannerisms all within their Ni. Then when the time comes, then can channel that character into their Fe and Se to perfectly embody that role, in ways that can be so nuanced that you might not even know you are looking at the same person. Even if acting isn’t your thing, every INFJ still has this in them, and it often comes out in other ways. An INFJ could enter a completely foreign country, and within weeks, or even days, completely master their culture, and maybe even accent.

The Guru

“Life can be found only in the present moment. The past is gone, the future is not yet here, and if we do not go back to ourselves in the present moment, we cannot be in touch with life.”

Whether they are aware of this or not, just about every INFJ is in some way in search for enlightenment, some of them actually find it (Well, at least they think they did), and these are the Guru INFJs. The mentor instinct runs strong in the INFJ breed, and the sage illuminates those that surround her. So the next step is to use that collection of Ni natural law to progress the consciousness of the rest of humanity, by teaching it to the world… Or a handful of disciples. Now hopefully what they teach is something that can be applied to all personalities, and not just their own; I’m looking at you Eckhart Tolle, you German bastard! Just because you are an INFJ doesn’t mean we all are! You can just send any personality type into the desert for a few days, and expect them to come back thirty years older and with a boat load of insights of natural law, like the INFJs can. What is up with that anyway? I swear, you INFJs could stare at a chair for an hour and end up seeing the meaning of life somewhere in it.

The False Guru

“You can get your vitamins and nourishment from vitamins and minerals contained within food, or you can bypass food and hook into what we call the universal life force which is prahna.”

Again, the search for enlightenment and the mentor drive is pervasive among the INFJ. But not all that glitters is gold, and with all do respect, some of them are completely full of shit. Some of them are even aware that they are full of shit, and some of them are not, either way, these are the False Gurus. Just peruse the New Age movement for a little while and you are bound to see quite a few of these. They are usually surrounded by a cohort of poorly developed personalities (mainly NFs and SFs, But I have seen many others in these circles, even NTs) because all of the strong personalities who can smell their bullshit a mile away, leave. Which is all the better, weak minds don’t ask questions, which is perfect because the False Guru can’t answer them. All they can really do is sound really mystical and wifty and charm the hell out of you. Generally speaking, this is mainly the result of an INFJ who avoided their Ti, and are scared to death of the rest of the Ti and Te in the world, so they make sure they surround themselves with people with even weaker abilities than they have. While most False Guru’s teachings are pretty benign, some of them are very dangerous (Google the word Breatharianism), and could lead to cults as well as very destructive behavior. There is also the breed of false gurus that are deliberately manipulating and lying to people, just so they can be validated and worshiped as a messiah. Watch out for them, they are nothing more than energy vampires feeding off the praise of the faithful. So the next time you hear a Guru trying to tell people about the world, you really need to think critically about what they are saying. Nature wouldn’t have given us judgment if we were not expected to use it.
You didn’t really think I would have only good things to say about types of INFJs, right? Where light is cast, there will always be shadows. Don’t think for a second that just because Kiersey decided to call your kind “The Protectors”, it means you are all going to be a bunch of god damn do-gooders. Ni with Fe can give extremely powerful abilities, and with great power comes great responsibility. Sometimes this power falls into the wrong hands, and that is why there is a light and dark side to Ni.

The Cobra:

“OoOoOoOo, That’s a bingo!”

INFJs are not necessarily only good for long-range planning and being a visionary. They can be pretty damn scary when using that Ni and Fe for manipulative purposes.
The Cobra uses their Fe to be playful and seductive to get people to disarm and loosen up, all the while keeping a close Ni look on what is going on, drinking in as much information as possible with Se, and reserving their actions until their Ni tells them the perfect time to strike. And when they do, they go straight for the jugular. The name “Cobra” comes from the posture they sometimes take with their head upright and eyes narrowed, still, and looking straight forward onto their prey. Cobras make perfect secret agents and interrogators, which is why many of them are. They can read their subjects with uncanny accuracy and know just what to say and exactly how to act to get what they want out of anyone. Sometimes they can even get people to admit to crimes they didn’t even commit; luckily they know when they are lying too. Ever heard a person who could talk their way out being charged for murder? They were probably a Cobra INFJ. Don’t get charmed by the smile, watch the eyes, if you get strung along by their hypnotic Fe display, they fucking got you where they want you. All INFJs have a little bit of Cobra in them, what you do with it is entirely up to you. For the most part it is actually a defense mechanism, and they will embody the cobra for a quick escape when trouble arises.

The Gypsy King:

The Gypsy King (or Queen) actually goes hand in hand with the Cobra, because they are really two sides of the same coin; the twin masters of INFJ trickery. However, the Gypsy uses their manipulation tactics for outright conning people. Now there seems to be an association with the ESTP and confidence artistry. I would say it is pretty undeserved; when it comes to manipulation, the sharky used car salesman ESTP, is child’s play when compared to the cunning foresight and hypnotic charm of the INFJ. The Gypsy King can figure a person out within seconds. A tattoo, a bruise, dark circles under the eyes, person looks down and to the left while talking, an expensive watch, tan lines on arms, all kinds of these random details that they take in through Se are their gateway into the minds of people, and then with a little speculation out of their Ni-Fe and Ti, they can have your whole life figured out within a blink of an eye, and know exactly how to approach you. Have you ever been to a psychic, who seemed to know everything about you? Things they couldn’t have possibly have known? Yeah, you just got INFJ’ed, Gypsy style. Conning people isn’t all malicious either, sometimes it is just good entertainment. That is why many of the Gypsy INFJs are Magicians; casting spells of perceptual redirection with displays of Fe and Se, to distract the audience in order to miss what is happening behind it all.

The Revolutionary:

“The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous.”

Fuck yeah! What would this guide be without the INFJ Revo-motherfucking-lutionary!? The Revolutionary aspect is to the INFJs, as Superman is to the Superfriends, INDESPENSIBLE! I mean, this isn’t even a face of the INFJ, this is the INFJ. The INTJs might have been nick named “The Mastermind”, but being a mastermind really comes from being an Ni dominant more than it does from being a Thinker. The INFJ Revolutionaries are masterminds in their own right, visionaries of the people. Literally beginning as children, INFJs go through life observing the world. The inner workings of society, human behavior, and natural law become clear to them through their observations and experience. Naturally, their Ni begins expanding as their worldview, and through it they acquire a future vision of what the world should be like. The world would be so much better if it worked the way it did in their Ni, but it doesn’t, and that just fucking pisses them off. This deep dissatisfaction for the world as it is now is what fuels the revolutionary fire that burns in the hearts of the INFJ. Because the solutions to all of the world’s problems are obvious, so obvious that it is maddening to think that they and a few others are the only people who can see it. This dissatisfaction for society creates a certain adversarial nature for the INFJ, it is them against the world. But no matter, if the world we live in sucks, just make a new one!

The Destroyer of worlds:

“Why me, because it's my revenge on this robotic society, because someone has to do it.”

The adversarial nature and discontent with society, is natural for the INFJs. However, at times, their adversarial worldview can become so strong that it turns to hatred, and the point of view that humans are just too stupid to live up to what they think they should live up to. The worse cases are when INFJs are also not in touch with their Fe. Their Ni will continue growing, and their Ti will make sense of it, but because they never get that push back for Fe, their worldview just becomes more and more detached and distorted from reality. This only perpetuates their hatred, because at the times they do try to articulate their distorted worldview, they are met with resistance from other people. Which leads them to a perspective that is no humans are worth saving, they are all just mindless idiots. Obviously these are very extreme cases, but make no mistake; they do exist, and have always existed. The Destroyers might even gain enough power to lead their own revolution, but it will be a revolution of hatred, destruction, and death. These kinds of INFJ also make some of the best villains in fiction, which everyone mistakes for INTJs on the forums. Apparently evil = T.

The SP Wannabe:

“Let me tell you a little something about the universe. Fuck you.”

Nobody expects the SP wannabe! They are the face of INFJ that as soon as most people see, they automatically think “ESTP”. Little do they know there is a massive worldview and understanding of human kind and natural law behind that rough and tumble exterior. They are by in large the most in your face and Alpha Male/Female you can get with the INFJ breed. It is actually quite normal and even common for all personality types to have a fetishy relationship with their inferior function. For the INFJ, this fetish comes in the flavor of Se. They go out into the world, grab Se by the balls, and show the world who’s in charge. This is how they master their shadow, by fighting it head on becoming their Shadow’s master. Most if not all INFJs take on the aspect of the SP wannabe for at least brief periods of time. It could be through martial arts, racing, cooking, a good friend of mine does it through Hula Hooping. It is all a part of learning how to live in the now. Some INFJs take this fetish to a whole new level, almost fascinated with the sensations; Retelling stories emphasizing every gory detail they can remember in full detail.

The Many Faces of INFJ - INTP Forum

Using colors to find careers

2010-04-18T17:55:00.000-07:00

Here are my results. To find yours, go to: http://www.careerpath.com/career-tests/color-test/

Welcome Stephanie

The Dewey Color System® is now the world's most accurate career testing instrument.
This report based on your personality traits indicates your two most enjoyable day-day-day occupation skills. It’s a summary of the full report, the Color Leadership Evaluation 5.0.

“Studies indicate workplace enjoyment is the key to success. So as you read, consider only “Was I mostly having fun at work?” Disregard your present and past employer’s environment.

Best Occupational Category

You're a CREATOR

Keywords

Nonconforming, Impulsive, Expressive, Romantic, Intuitive, Sensitive, and Emotional

These original types place a high value on aesthetic qualities and have a great need for self-expression. They enjoy working independently, being creative, using their imagination, and constantly learning something new. Fields of interest are art, drama, music, and writing or places where they can express, assemble, or implement creative ideas.

CREATOR OCCUPATIONS
Suggested careers are Advertising Executive, Architect, Web Designer, Creative Director, Public Relations, Fine or Commercial Artist, Interior Decorator, Lawyer, Librarian, Musician, Reporter, Art Teacher, Broadcaster, Technical Writer, English Teacher, Architect, Photographer, Medical Illustrator, Corporate Trainer, Author, Editor, Landscape Architect, Exhibit Builder, and Package Designer.

CREATOR WORKPLACES
Consider workplaces where you can create and improve beauty and aesthetic qualities. Unstructured, flexible organizations that allow self-expression work best with your free-spirited nature.

Suggested Creator workplaces are advertising, public relations, and interior decorating firms; artistic studios, theaters and concert halls; institutions that teach crafts, universities, music, and dance schools. Other workplaces to consider are art institutes, museums, libraries, and galleries.

2nd Best Occupational Category

You're an ORGANIZER

Keywords:

Self-Control, Practical, Self-Contained, Orderly, Systematic, Precise, and Accurate

These conservative appearing, plotting-types enjoy organizing, data systems, accounting, detail, and accuracy. They often enjoy mathematics and data management activities such as accounting and investment management. Persistence and patience allows them to do detailed paperwork, operate office machines, write business reports, and make charts and graphs.

Section I: You and Your Team
This personality overview section highlights your natural workplace talents—the tasks you pursue with passion. You'll learn how your natural strengths complement those of your coworkers and how, joining forces, you can resolve on-the-job dilemmas.
Section II: Your Key To Success
Here you discover your capacity for dispelling disruption and maximizing profitability. Use this proven, beyond-self-perception advice to create a more positive career path free of detours.
Section III: Managing Strengths and Weaknesses
Your evaluation's highest and lowest scores result in this section's recommendations for staying on-track in your career and reversing wrong turns. In focusing on your talents and missteps, you'll re-stoke your energy and enthusiasm for managing costly mistakes.
Section IV: Leadership Power Moves
This final section identifies your "street sense," those power moves that turn obstacles into insignificant details. Here suggestions based on your color-ranked evaluations will guide you towards making the most of an interview or harnessing your fast-paced workday.

Kiva - Imelda Martinez Mendoza from Nicaragua has a loan fundraising on Kiva

2010-03-26T07:56:00.000-07:00

I just loaned Imelda Martinez Mendoza from Nicaragua $25 to expand her general store. She still needs more loans!

Kiva's mission is to connect people, through lending, for the sake of alleviating poverty.

Kiva empowers individuals to lend to an entrepreneur across the globe. By combining microfinance with the internet, Kiva is creating a global community of people connected through lending.

Pendo Luisi, 27 years old, borrowed $175 to open a cafe in Dar es Salaam, Tanzania.

Kiva was born of the following beliefs:

People are by nature generous, and will help others if given the opportunity to do so in a transparent, accountable way.

The poor are highly motivated and can be very successful when given an opportunity.

By connecting people we can create relationships beyond financial transactions, and build a global community expressing support and encouragement of one another.

Kiva promotes:

Dignity: Kiva encourages partnership relationships as opposed to benefactor relationships. Partnership relationships are characterized by mutual dignity and respect.

Accountability: Loans encourage more accountability than donations where repayment is not expected.

Transparency: The Kiva website is an open platform where communication can flow freely around the world.

As of November 2009, Kiva has facilitated over $100 million in loans.

Finding Unexpected Inspiration

2010-03-12T16:31:00.000-08:00

One of my quirks is that I like to watch a show in a long, obsessive run. I will find out where I can watch the show for free online and I will watch all nine years of it in several long, "no shower, no shave" days of intensive marathoning. My latest conquest is Roseanne.

When I was a (say this like Steve Martin) "poor, fat child", I was called several fucked up names by my peers. They were surprisingly creative, as far as nicknames go. Lumpy, Watermelon, and Roseanne were the ones that are the most emblazoned on my psyche. I can get Lumpy and Watermelon cause (say this in your best retard [in a non-PC sense] voice) "duh that's what I looked like." But Roseanne - hmmmm why her? Is it just because she was fat? Or was it also her personality? Was there anything else to it? Based on my opinion of the IQs of my peers at the time, Roseanne was the most prominent fat person they knew so they were just calling me Roseanne in an apples to oranges kind of comparison. The real question here is "Why was I insulted?" I was being compared to a successful and hilarious celebrity and instead of associating any of her positive attributes with myself, all I could do is make superficial judgements and associations with weight. Oh if only the 28 year old version of myself could have a chat with my broken down 10 year old self. It took me many years and many tears to come to the conclusion I have had today:

Being compared to Roseanne Connor (Barr) is a complement.

Roseanne, in character and in real life is an inspirational woman. She is smart, funny, sexy, successful and sassy. She speaks her mind and doesn't give a fuck if you don't like what she has to say. She is an amazing woman, oh and yeah, she's also fat. She's the kind of mom you want to have and want to be. I'm just infinitely blessed to have a mom that's even better, she just doesn't have her own TV show!

Check out my HOT Parents!

Yes I know I look just like both of them.

I have a wonderful mother, and she is an inspiration to me. This is not intended to take away any of the mojo my mom has going. Roseanne is a different type of role model because she's a celebrity and public figure. We are saturated by media images and portrayals of women, and Roseanne is a beacon (and bacon) in an otherwise tepid and bulimic stew. No matter how much we tell ourselves that we are immune to the effects of socialization and media brainwashing, we are all victims. When I was a child, I loved to watch Roseanne because I could relate to Darlene. It was like watching my family on a good day, on television. It reinforced my ideas of what a happy family was supposed to be. It told me it was ok to be dark and sarcastic like Darlene. My sister was the feminine, stylish and perfect like Becky.

And much like Darlene and Becky, we loved to hate one another. Here we are "Wraslin" at the dinner table.

We even kinda ended up like Darlene and Becky in terms of romance. My sister married a wanna-be bad boy. While Mark liked motorcycles, Jimmy liked to skateboard. However, Jimmy doesn't like to get his hands dirty! My husband Matthew is like David in that they are both a bit sensitive and have no problem being whipped by their wives. However, unlike David, my husband likes to fix and build things.

Now as time has gone by, I watch Roseanne for a different reason. I can suddenly relate to Dan and Roseanne. I see myself and my husband and our relationship in them. One thing I love about Dan and Roseanne, is that no matter how bad things get, it's always ok because they love one another. Their relationship and family is really rooted in love. They even have a great sex life! I'd like to think that our relationship is also rooted in love and humor.

So what prompted me to write about this today? Well I was in the middle of a Roseanne marathon and watching season 6 when Roseanne and Dan talk about having another baby. It was romantic, realistic, and humorous. What strikes me is that their only initial concerns where their income and age. At no point did Roseanne question whether her body was healthy enough to have a baby. Here I've been, for the past several years, questioning whether or not I should get pregnant on the sole basis of whether I was too fat to have a healthy pregnancy. Money and age where secondary concerns. I think I have been so wrapped up in babies and fatness, because of the media and their portrayal of pregnant women. I'm surrounded and drowning in images of beautiful, thin pregnant women. And can you believe, I actually think that I wont be a beautiful pregnant woman because I'm fat! How fucked up is that! Then there are all the doctors saying I'm going to die young JUST because I am fat. I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, or engage in reckless behavior. My only health 'Sin' is my weight. Everywhere I go, everywhere I look I'm being told that I'm unhealthy, ugly and sub-human. It's so engrained in me, that it has affected many of my major life decisions. I can confidently say that my life is controlled by my weight and 90% of that is how others treat and perceive me. Every decision I make, there is a part of me that has to consider my weight.

If I travel, will I fit in the seat? Do I need two seats? Will they kick me off the plane? If I go to the beach, will I be picked on for my bathing suit? If I go shopping, will they have clothes in my size? If I go to a restaurant, will I fit between the booth and the table? Should I sit next to that person on the subway? Will I encroach on their space? Why do they look at me like that when I walk in the room? Since when did the movie theater seats get so small? If I buy those cookies, will the cashier mock me? Does the classroom have those small desks attached to the seats? When I cross the street, is someone going to yell mean slurs at me? Are they making fun of me at the gym? Will that seat hold my weight? OMG the toilet that is attached to the wall instead of the ground creaks and dips when I sit on it - will it break? What will I do if my pants rip in the crotch because the fabric is worn thin from my thighs rubbing together? Will the doctor treat me like a parasite again? Will my OBGYN dehumanize me again when the paper shirt doesn't cover my body? Will the paramedics be able to move my body? Can I fit in the rollercoaster?Will my lover think I am disgusting?

The arbitrary line between thin and fat is used to "decide whether someone deserves to be treated like a human being. These days, when you fly somewhere, grab lunch with friends, consult a doctor or buy a pair of pants, you're going to come across this line. The thing about the fat/thin dividing line is that it jumps all over the place depending on which authority you consult, what day it is and how much abuse you're willing to take.

Without changing a hair or sucking in your gut, you could be "obese" according to the government's definitions, thin according to your grandmother, fat according to Hollywood, thin according to the person you're dating, fat according to an airline pilot, thin according to reality television and fat according to your employer (who will hike your health insurance unless you agree to eat diet crackers and do situps). Tomorrow or next week or a minute from now, all of these alleged authorities could change their mind about you and call you thin. Or fat.

Whether you're fat or thin or somewhere in-between, we think you are likely wasting your time and your money and possibly your entire life worrying which side of the fat/thin dividing line you're on."

Yeah I know that! But it still happens. Until the world stops dehumanizing fat, I will have to worry! If I wanted health insurance, which I do, I would be automatically declined because according to doctors, I'm MORBIDLY OBESE. So they will deny me basic medical care, when at the same time the "Obesity Epidemic Supporters" bitch about how unhealthy my being fat is.

"Fatter people are less likely to be hired, are paid less, are less welcome as college applicants, are denied medical treatments, are likely to be charged double when we fly on airplanes, are unwelcome as customers seeking to buy clothes and are discriminated against constantly in countless ways. If you're judged fat, you're a second-class citizen at best, untouchable - even less than human."

The media and propaganda feeders have poisoned motherhood and pregnancy. A decision that used to be about love and family has now become an issue of weight and money. Because I'm morbidly obese, I cannot expect quality health care, if any at all. So I'm scared into thinking I can't have a healthy pregnancy, and then I'm refused services that would help me have a healthy pregnancy. It's a vicious horrible cycle.

So, to bring this all back to Roseanne, seeing her, a fat woman in her 40s, never question her body's ability to have a healthy baby, instills some hope, pride, and calm within me. I need more role models like her in my life. Roseanne doesn't let her body fat keep her from doing what she wants. Yes she try to lose weight for her health, but she has no illusions of waif-ness. She knows she will always be a big woman, so she should do what she can to be a healthy and happy big woman. I need to be more like her. So to those automatons who called me Roseanne in Elementary school - Thank You. To be compared to such an icon of female power is a beautiful complement. Every woman should strive to have a little Roseanne in her.

Love,
Stephanie

SOURCE: NEW YORK DAILY NEWS
"Fatties, it's time to fight back: If you're judged obese, you're a second-class citizen at best"
BY Paul Campos AND Marilyn Wann
Monday, March 8th 2010, 4:00 AM

http://www.nydailyn ews.com/opinions /2010/03/ 08/2010-03- 08_fatties_ its_time_ to_fight_ back.html

An excerpt from the paper Mary, Roseanne, and Carrie: Television and Fictional Feminism by Rachael Horowitz:

Roseanne was one of the most unapologetic women to appear on television. Roseanne's voice was loud, nasal and grating. She had hysterical, yet harsh, one-liners. She was the boss of her family. And moreover, she was overweight and not particularly attractive. While the show was hugely successful, the media often treated Roseanne particularly maliciously. The August 1989 issue of Esquire had a short piece entitled, “Roseanne Nay!” (opposite “Roseanne Yea!”) which argued that audiences felt obligated to like Roseanne because she was overweight. Peter Freundlich wrote, “Television is chockablock these days with melodramas about afflictions overcome…we've been convinced that fat is an affliction,

and so we celebrate now the heartwarming triumph of Roseanne Barr over fat.” Such comments in the media were not uncommon – just as Freundlich did, others reduced the show to the issue of the star's weight. At the same time, however, another man wrote an article, opposing “Nay!” entitled “Roseanne Yea!” Peter Nelson expressed his admiration for Barr – although he also described her as “Samoan.” But he recognized the significance of the show as an antidote to the ubiquitous family-sitcom, and as one re-writing the boundaries of television motherhood. He called Roseanne one of the moms he wished he had when he was a child, explaining: “Look at her TV house. It's Cosby with laundry…The adults win battles, but they seek to avoid them as much as the kids do. Unlike the folks on Cosby , mom and dad actually do it instead of just making goo-goo eyes about it.”

In Where the Girls Are , Douglas describes the phenomenon of “Roseanne:” why this show was so perverse to some, and more importantly, why it truly resonated with most viewers:

Despite the incredibly hostile treatment she has gotten in the press – because she's four things TV women are not supposed to be, working-class, loudmouthed, overweight, and a feminist – Roseanne became a success because her mission was simple and welcome: to take the schmaltz and hypocrisy out of media images of motherhood. [She] spoke to millions of women who love their children more than anything in the world but who also find motherhood wearing, boring, and, at times, infuriating.

The real “choice” that Roseanne embraced, the one that made her a feminist, was not to work, but rather, the choice to express herself – to her husband and to her children, to her friends and even to her bosses. Her choice was to not hide behind the image of traditional, proper wifehood or motherhood, but to exercise her right to speak freely about her feelings. She and her husband spoke honestly with one another, making choices about money and the kids as a team.

While “The Mary Tyler Moore Show” avoided a political or social “agenda,” “Roseanne” did not. The writers made certain points very explicit, especially in early episodes. In particular, the fact that the Connor family was working class was constructed as a crucial aspect of the show and central to its “argument.”

The unrelenting efforts to remind the audience of the Connors' blue-collar-ness sometime bordered on caricature (Roseanne and Dan always drinking beer, family trips to the bowling alley), but the point was critical; this was “real life” feminism. It was a feminism not just for women who went to college or women who continued their careers despite the fact that their husbands could support them financially, but a feminism that included working class.

Roseanne's feminism was for women who have to work because bills must get paid, who assert their role as head of the house despite the degrading work they often do during the day to pay for their kids' food and clothes. Roseanne's feminism challenged what often becomes the pop-culture shorthand for feminism – that the most empowering decision a woman can make is to work (and have or not have a family). “Roseanne” reminded an expansive audience that working-class women are left out of “feminism” when it is framed this way. She broadened the accessibility of feminism in a way that “The Mary Tyler Moore Show” could not have, and emerged as a surprisingly on target portrayal of an unrepentant feminist.

When feminism is constructed simply as a choice to work or to stay at home, class inextricably binds its potential impact, and, as evidenced by “The Mary Tyler Moore Show,” it is stunted in its ability to transform gender roles. Roseanne was a strong woman, not because she worked, but because she respected herself, asserted herself and stood up for her feelings. Her role as a working woman did not make her a feminist. Her role in the home did, however. This fact is seemingly antithetical to conventional ideas about feminism, but perhaps more powerful in its ability to reconstruct ideas about women's identity. With Roseanne in mind, the memory of Mary Richards is alarmingly un-controversial. (Did we really call her a feminist icon?) Roseanne and Dan were equals in the Connor house. Though they joked about Roseanne's role as head of the household – the woman to whom everyone answered – the audience could clearly see that Roseanne respected Dan and his opinions.

Roseanne's progressive vision of female identity was particularly powerful in its unexpectedness. She inhabited the most traditional female aspirations: being a wife and a mother. Unlike Roseanne, Mary Richards was a somewhat obvious tool for understanding some of the changes ushered in by the women's movement. The fact that Mary's character's mere existence challenged commonplace portrayals of women on television, left the show doing little else to transform gender roles, and in the end, it largely paid homage to convention. Roseanne's premise was within convention, but it allowed for real-life additions that, in the end, truly defied her predecessors.

To read more of this article, visit: www.umich.edu/~historyj/pages.../Mary_Roseanne_and_Carrie.pdf

Whole Foods Boycott

2010-03-03T12:39:00.000-08:00

This blog is based on the Op-Ed written by Whole Foods owner John Mackey from the Wall Street Journal. His Op-Ed has been reposted at the end of this blog.

So, the owner of whole foods, John Mackey believes that HEALTH CARE IS NOT A RIGHT. Yes, you heard me. The man that owns the store that the left-wing loves, is using his profits to promote right-wing beliefs. This is just bloody brilliant in an evil "Natasha and Boris" way. So the left-wing is doing what they do best, using grassroots methods and social media to boycott Whole Foods. Check out Whole Boycott for the skinny. I'm not saying I agree to a boycott, but at least Wal-mart hasn't publicly come out and basically said some people are better than others in the style of Animal Farm.

Four legs good, two legs mean you don't get health care!

My suggestion? Do the research and make your own decision. Never let trends dictate your decisions. My opinion? Well this article and Whole Foods stance on ostracizing and punishing overweight employees has prompted me to shop elsewhere. Make sure you read the article about that topic as well.
Stephanie

--------------------------------

The Whole Foods Alternative to ObamaCare
Eight things we can do to improve health care without adding to the deficit.

By JOHN MACKEY

"The problem with socialism is that eventually you run out
of other people's money."

—Margaret Thatcher

With a projected $1.8 trillion deficit for 2009, several trillions more in deficits projected over the next decade, and with both Medicare and Social Security entitlement spending about to ratchet up several notches over the next 15 years as Baby Boomers become eligible for both, we are rapidly running out of other people's money. These deficits are simply not sustainable. They are either going to result in unprecedented new taxes and inflation, or they will bankrupt us.

While we clearly need health-care reform, the last thing our country needs is a massive new health-care entitlement that will create hundreds of billions of dollars of new unfunded deficits and move us much closer to a government takeover of our health-care system. Instead, we should be trying to achieve reforms by moving in the opposite direction—toward less government control and more individual empowerment. Here are eight reforms that would greatly lower the cost of health care for everyone.

• Remove the legal obstacles that slow the creation of high-deductible health insurance plans and health savings accounts (HSAs). The combination of high-deductible health insurance and HSAs is one solution that could solve many of our health-care problems. For example, Whole Foods Market pays 100% of the premiums for all our team members who work 30 hours or more per week (about 89% of all team members) for our high-deductible health-insurance plan. We also provide up to $1,800 per year in additional health-care dollars through deposits into employees' Personal Wellness Accounts to spend as they choose on their own health and wellness.

Money not spent in one year rolls over to the next and grows over time. Our team members therefore spend their own health-care dollars until the annual deductible is covered (about $2,500) and the insurance plan kicks in. This creates incentives to spend the first $2,500 more carefully. Our plan's costs are much lower than typical health insurance, while providing a very high degree of worker satisfaction.

• Equalize the tax laws so that employer-provided health insurance and individually owned health insurance have the same tax benefits. Now employer health insurance benefits are fully tax deductible, but individual health insurance is not. This is unfair.

• Repeal all state laws which prevent insurance companies from competing across state lines. We should all have the legal right to purchase health insurance from any insurance company in any state and we should be able use that insurance wherever we live. Health insurance should be portable.

• Repeal government mandates regarding what insurance companies must cover. These mandates have increased the cost of health insurance by billions of dollars. What is insured and what is not insured should be determined by individual customer preferences and not through special-interest lobbying.

• Enact tort reform to end the ruinous lawsuits that force doctors to pay insurance costs of hundreds of thousands of dollars per year. These costs are passed back to us through much higher prices for health care.

• Make costs transparent so that consumers understand what health-care treatments cost. How many people know the total cost of their last doctor's visit and how that total breaks down? What other goods or services do we buy without knowing how much they will cost us?

• Enact Medicare reform. We need to face up to the actuarial fact that Medicare is heading towards bankruptcy and enact reforms that create greater patient empowerment, choice and responsibility.

• Finally, revise tax forms to make it easier for individuals to make a voluntary, tax-deductible donation to help the millions of people who have no insurance and aren't covered by Medicare, Medicaid or the State Children's Health Insurance Program.

Many promoters of health-care reform believe that people have an intrinsic ethical right to health care—to equal access to doctors, medicines and hospitals. While all of us empathize with those who are sick, how can we say that all people have more of an intrinsic right to health care than they have to food or shelter?

Health care is a service that we all need, but just like food and shelter it is best provided through voluntary and mutually beneficial market exchanges. A careful reading of both the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution will not reveal any intrinsic right to health care, food or shelter. That's because there isn't any. This "right" has never existed in America

Even in countries like Canada and the U.K., there is no intrinsic right to health care. Rather, citizens in these countries are told by government bureaucrats what health-care treatments they are eligible to receive and when they can receive them. All countries with socialized medicine ration health care by forcing their citizens to wait in lines to receive scarce treatments.

Although Canada has a population smaller than California, 830,000 Canadians are currently waiting to be admitted to a hospital or to get treatment, according to a report last month in Investor's Business Daily. In England, the waiting list is 1.8 million.

At Whole Foods we allow our team members to vote on what benefits they most want the company to fund. Our Canadian and British employees express their benefit preferences very clearly—they want supplemental health-care dollars that they can control and spend themselves without permission from their governments. Why would they want such additional health-care benefit dollars if they already have an "intrinsic right to health care"? The answer is clear—no such right truly exists in either Canada or the U.K.—or in any other country.

Rather than increase government spending and control, we need to address the root causes of poor health. This begins with the realization that every American adult is responsible for his or her own health.

Unfortunately many of our health-care problems are self-inflicted: two-thirds of Americans are now overweight and one-third are obese. Most of the diseases that kill us and account for about 70% of all health-care spending—heart disease, cancer, stroke, diabetes and obesity—are mostly preventable through proper diet, exercise, not smoking, minimal alcohol consumption and other healthy lifestyle choices.

Recent scientific and medical evidence shows that a diet consisting of foods that are plant-based, nutrient dense and low-fat will help prevent and often reverse most degenerative diseases that kill us and are expensive to treat. We should be able to live largely disease-free lives until we are well into our 90s and even past 100 years of age.

Health-care reform is very important. Whatever reforms are enacted it is essential that they be financially responsible, and that we have the freedom to choose doctors and the health-care services that best suit our own unique set of lifestyle choices. We are all responsible for our own lives and our own health. We should take that responsibility very seriously and use our freedom to make wise lifestyle choices that will protect our health. Doing so will enrich our lives and will help create a vibrant and sustainable American society.

Mr. Mackey is co-founder and CEO of Whole Foods Market Inc.

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970204251404574342170072865070.html

Lots of fun filled action!!

2010-02-22T15:33:00.000-08:00

It's picture time!!! Here are some pics from New Years. Don't ask me who these people are...can't remember through the haze of the wine that night. In the last pic, the girl next to me is Gabi.

Director Kevin Smith 'too fat' to fly Southwest; 'Clerks' writer/director tweets rage at airline

2010-02-15T17:51:00.000-08:00

BY MICHAEL SHERIDAN
DAILY NEWS STAFF WRITER

Originally Published:Sunday, February 14th 2010, 8:04 AM
Updated: Sunday, February 14th 2010, 8:04 AM

via Twitter

Kevin Smith took photo of himself on airplane after allegedly being removed from another flight becasue he was 'too fat.'

Kevin Smith, director of the upcoming Bruce Willis and Tracy Morgan laugher, "Cop Out," turned to Twitter to vent his frustrations Saturday after allegedly getting booted from a Southwest Airlinesflight.

"I know I'm fat," the 39-year-old wrote via Twitter. "But was Captain Leysath [sic] really justified in throwing me off a flight for which I was already seated?"

The writer and director of "Clerks" and "Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back" let loose in the tweet tirade after allegedly being told by a flight attendant he was a "safety risk" as he was about to fly fromOakland to Burbank.

"I'm way fat," Smith tweeted, "But I'm not THERE just yet. But if I am, why wait til my bag is up, and I'm seated WITH ARM RESTS DOWN. In front of a packed plane with a bunch of folks who'd already I.d.ed me as 'Silent Bob'."

Southwest uses the armrests has a factor in determining whether a passenger must purchase an extra seat becauase of their size. According to their website, "It serves as the boundary between seats and measures 17 inches in width," it states.

"Customers who are unable to lower both armrests and/or who compromise any portion of adjacent seating should proactively book the number of seats needed prior to travel."

Smith wrote he was offered a $100 voucher by the airline, and noted he eventually flew on a Southwest flight despite the incident.

Southwest Airlines has not officially commented on Smith's claims. They did, however, tweet responses to the New Jersey-born director via their own Twitter account.

"I read every single tweet that comes into this account, and take every tweet seriously," a spokesperson for the airline wrote. "We'll handle @thatkevinsmith issue asap."

Another message was directed at Smith himself. "I'm so sorry for your experience tonight! Hopefully we can make things right."

This isn't the first time Southwest Airlines has faced criticism for their treatment of overweight passengers.

Back in November, a 400-pound San Jose man missed a flight to his uncle's funeral because a Southwest ticket agent said he would need to buy an additional ticket. The flight was fully booked.

"I just wanted to be there for my family," Okamoni Fa told ABC-affiliate KGO-TV in San Francisco.

Smith has discussed his longtime battle with his weight many times in the past, once noting that he once broke a toilet.

"I cannot cognitively reframe it and be like, 'It wasn't me -- it was the toilet.' It was definitely me," he said in an interview for the Los Angeles Times in 2008. "And that's a wake-up call!"

When I come around

2010-02-11T01:59:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I know. It's been a while. My bad. So, what have I been up to? Here's a rundown of the last few months.

October 2009
I went to the Witches Ball with Liz. It was lamer than I expected, but it was really cool just to be out with Liz. I dressed as a candy striper and she was a ringmaster. We hung out at the ball for a bit, got hit on by some freaky men (One guy asked me if I'd check his heart!) and then left. We got lost, drove around for a while and then hit a bar called the Rock. It was a gay bar. The atmosphere was wonderful and we both wished we had gone there sooner. We arrived just in time for the costume contest. There were some wicked awesome looking drags there. If I recall, Liz got 3rd or 4th place. The next day we had lunch at Big Fat Greek Restaurant (BFG) and we had a great conversation about school, work, life, family and friends. A car across the street caught fire. People's reaction to the fire was hilarious.

November 2009
Mamie and Liz came down and spent some time with me. We did our tradition of eating at Big Fat Greek Restaurant. It was a lot of fun, but a bit somber. We talked about vacationing together sometime. I miss them so much.

I made the trek to Boston. My roommate Kelly was to pick me up from the airport. She got towed that morning, so she had to go pick up her car before she got me. I had to wait outside of the airport in the cold for a few hours. That should have been a sign that shit was going down.

Not even a week into living with Tanja and Kelly, and drama happened. If you want to read more about it, read here, here and here. Yeah it was that intense.

December 2009

I went to a Mad Femme Pride party on December 5. It was at Club Cafe. The theme was UnLadylike, so I had to dress in drag. I ended up wearing jeans, a button up and a black vest, and I looked like everyone else there. lol. It was a fun night. The bus only took me about half way and it was a blustery snowy night. So by the time I got there, my pants were soaked, my umbrella broken, and my hair flat. UGH! I talked with some cool ladies, danced with a very beautiful drunk woman, and even danced onstage for a bit. I had a blast.

The next weekend I went to Dyke Night at the Machine. There was a jumping crowd, and gorgeous Ms. Clause pole dancers, but it wasn't that fun. The DJ wasn't that great and I couldn't get anyone to dance with me. I ended up leaving early, hitting Dominos and going home to fatten myself up. :)

On xmas eve I had a small potluck at my house. 5 people showed up and we talked about work, weather, clubs, events, moving, etc. It was a good vibe. I got to know some cool people. I'm still in contact with one. They stayed until after midnight, so I'm chalking it up as a success.

For New Years I went to Blue Moon 2010, another Mad Femme Pride event. I went with Gabi, a woman I met at my potluck. It was an intimate affair with less than 100 people. There was an Asian buffet, drinks, DJ and dancing. However the DJ totally SUCKED. She was messing with song speeds, playing songs I never heard of, and shortening the ones I loved. I met a cool gal named Kristen. It was fun and I learned a lot about Gabi and a few other women.

January 2010
Kelly moved out on the 10th. That was a handful. Her cohort made a mess and I had to mop twice. Our apartment was completely bare after she took all of her stuff out. It was also a huge pain to deal with the utilities. I'm just glad it's all over and I don't have to deal with her anymore. I got the lease signed to the apartment that next week. I also got lost on the way home. But I did get some cool pics on my cell phone! The heads are at the Museum of Fine Arts. The river is near my home.

I've been super busy this month with web designing. I have finished a few big jobs so I made a decent amount of money. I've also been doing an internship for www.greenanswers.com. I get paid to answer questions on their website. It's boring and tedious but it pays. It would be a lot better if people didn't ask stupid questions that were impossible to answer. I also updated my personal website by making a new "text only" section. Here are the links to the websites I built: www.yourRNhealthcoach.com, www.heathyrhoffman.com. I also did some updating for a few other websites, but since I didn't actually design them, I'm not going to link to them.

Other than that, January has been a lazy month. I've been watching several shows back to back. I watched a few seasons of Chuck, Farscape, Make it or Break it, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and a few others. My sleeping habits are totally messed up and I'm up all night long. I did however, do some artwork on my kitchen wall.

Oh and we decided to celebrate Matthew's birthday in June.

February 2010
Matt sent me flowers for V-day. They are beautiful. I miss him so much. Nothing much else has been going on. Just working and watching tv!

Well, that's it for now. I will post again soon.
Stephanie

The Skinny On Whole Foods’ Anti-Fat Policy

2010-02-03T02:03:00.000-08:00

By Carly Smolak | February 2nd, 2010

Some people just don’t like carrots, but nobody likes a stick. This is what John Mackey, CEO of Whole Foods and notorious health care blow hard, doesn’t seem to get. In an attempt to reduce the cost of health care for its employees, Whole Foods created a new policy to offer deeper discounts on food to employees that can squeeze into the company’s [narrow] definition of health. The “Team Member Healthy Discount Incentive” is a voluntary program that evaluates the health of employees based on Body Mass Index (BMI), blood pressure, cholesterol, and nicotine-use. Based on these specific criteria, employees can qualify for an additional 2-10% discount on top of the 20% discount all employees already receive.

But instead of acting as an incentive, the program may have the exact opposite effect and act more like a punishment for larger-bodied employees who already have to deal with living in a society whose last acceptable “–ism” is hating on fat people. The issue here is not about companies encouraging the well-being of their employees. The issue here is that a large company is adopting a prescriptive definition of what health means for all people and bodies, and imposing that criteria upon its employees.

In a letter to employees, Mr. Mackey claims that “Supporting Team Member Happiness and Excellence is a very important core value.” While there is certainly evidence that generally suggests that high cholesterol, high BMI, and cigarette smoking are detrimental to a person’s well-being, there are many happy, healthy, active, fat people that are conscious of their food choices that do not fall within the prevailing acceptable range for BMI that Whole Foods will use to determine health. There are not, however, many truly happy people that suffer from self-hatred, body dysmorphia, unreasonable expectations of beauty, or working against a body’s biology to comply with over-generalized definitions of health.

Now I must confess: I am one of those people who are obsessed with health, nutrition, and exercise, and as a former professional athlete I can tell you that the obsession in and of itself was probably less healthy than moderate servings of whatever foods it was that I was telling myself to strictly avoid. I also know that there are some things that certain bodies will never do: some people will never run distance well, some people will never sprint well, some people will never gain weight beyond a certain point, and some will never lose it. The most important thing is for each of us to find out what our body’s optimal balance is, and at a certain point accept and love whatever that is.

While there are plenty of effective ways to encourage employees to live a healthier lifestyle and find their own balance, creating a regime of shame based on a narrow and inaccurate definition of health–such as BMI–arguably creates a hostile work environment. This isn’t encouraging healthy eating, it’s colonizing the body. While it’s true that our country suffers from an epidemic of obesity-related diseases, I think it’s safe to say that the Whole Foods employee population is NOT the population that needs to be targeted. The very act of working at an organic grocery store eliminates the greatest obstacle to health that many Americans face– access to affordable healthful food options and information on living a healthy lifestyle.

The Whole Foods anti-fat policy will not encourage a change in behavior among employees, but will rather alienate larger-bodied customers and employees. It will not likely save the company money, but instead earn it loads of bad press, lost business, and it will likely get them sued. If the company wanted to create incentives that encourage healthy lifestyles, perhaps it could offer discounts at gyms and for other activities, create opportunities for employees to be active outside of work, offer free classes or seminars on how to lose weight or improve one’s diet, or even bring in a dietitian to sit down with each individual employee to help him or her set goals and create a plan of action to achieve his or her desired results. These measures would probably cost less than attorney fees and lost revenues.

It is a little ironic that “Whole Paycheck’s” solution to obesity is to offer skinny people healthful food for less. According to their own logic, shouldn’t it be the other way around?

http://www.triplepundit.com/2010/02/the-skinny-on-whole-foods-anti-fat-policy/

Whole Foods, junk science, healthism, and other stuff...Union-busting, health care reform-opposing, global-warming denying John Mackey, CEO of Whole Foods, has come up with a super idea for cutting his health insurance costs: giving his employees extra discounts on their company store purchases if they maintain or achieve a "healthy" (sic) weight.

The details: employees with a Body Mass Index of between 28 and 29.9 will get a 22% discount on their purchases; those with a BMI of 26-28.9 will get a 25% discount; those with a BMI of 24-25.9 will get a 27% discount; and those below 24 will get a 30% discount (employees must also meet blood pressure and cholesterol criteria and not use nicotine).

How crazy is this? Let me count the ways:

(1) In terms of BMI, the Whole Foods discounts correlate with increasing mortality risk. The most sophisticated study on this subject, published in 2005 in JAMA by Katherine Flegal et. al., used a BMI of 23-24.9 as its referent category for baseline risk of mortality. (This corresponds with the higher end of the government's "normal/recommended" weight range of 18.5-24.9. The lower one goes in the "normal" weight range, the greater the mortality risk becomes, so using the top of the "normal" range as the referent category actually minimizes the risks associated with "normal" weight). It found 86,000 excess deaths per year in the United States associated with "normal" weight when compared to the mortality risk among people with BMIs in the 25-29.9 range.

You're reading that right: Whole Foods' employee discounts based on weight are inversely related to mortality risk. So you have a policy that's not merely discriminatory on its face, but completely irrational on its own terms.

(2) The highest employee discount has no floor, only a ceiling. In the Flegal study, underweight (BMI <18.5) was associated with a stratospheric increase in mortality risk. (This remains true even when the data is controlled for smoking and pre-existing disease). But if you're an underweight college student suffering from an eating disorder and working as a checker at the Boulder Whole Foods (not a hypothetical as anyone who has ever shopped there can attest) you get a 30% discount for maintaining the "healthiest" weight.

(3) Even if one decides to enter John Mackey's Epidemiological Fantasyland, where good health is achieved by purchasing $27 a pound Ahi tuna in order to achieve Optimal Thinness, how much sense does it make to make it more expensive for your non-thin employees to purchase said tuna?

All this is a classic example how the habitus of upper class people in America ends up getting projected onto the broader culture, under the rubric of "a healthy lifestyle." It's also an example of how healthism and junk science are powerful weapons in the fight to avoid that most dreaded thing, a fair and efficient health care system for all Americans. Few myths in that fight are more pernicious than the idea that if you get sick it's your fault, because you didn't make healthy choices, such as searing that Ahi tuna you bought at Whole Foods after lightly coating it in $30 a bottle olive oil.

http://lefarkins.blogspot.com/2010/01/whole-foods-junk-science-healthism-and.html

Reposted from NAAFA myspace blog.

Fattened by pills

2010-01-24T14:11:00.000-08:00

By Paula J. Caplan | January 24, 2010

As Americans struggle to keep New Year’s weight-loss resolutions, experts’ alarms about obesity ring in our heads. We obsess about portion control, flock to the gym, and can’t get enough of The Biggest Loser. As schools, congressional subcommittees, and even first lady Michelle Obama -- who’s made the issue a top priority -- take on the problem, the focus turns to the usual suspects: fast food, oversize servings, and sedentary lifestyle. For some battling weight problems, those factors are indeed critical. But overlooked in all this is one of the primary causes of America’s obesity epidemic: The elephant in the living room is the skyrocketing use of psychiatric drugs. Many of these, which are used to treat emotional problems including depression and anxiety, cause weight gain -- often of the rapid and massive sort -- as one of their “side effects,” that brilliant marketing term for what are simply negative effects of a drug.

It is striking that the weight of many Americans has ballooned just as the prescribing of psychiatric drugs has surged. The Obesity Society categorizes nearly two-thirds of adult Americans as overweight, the average weight of an adult having increased since 1960 by 25 pounds, and between 1996 and 2006 alone, prescriptions of psychiatric drugs for US adults increased 73 percent. The courageous Alaskan attorney James Gottstein in 2006 exposed drug company Eli Lilly’s concealment of its knowledge about the effects of its drug Zyprexa3 (approved to treat schizophrenia and bipolar disorder but also prescribed for other conditions) on weight gain, and subsequent reports have revealed such effects of a whole range of psychiatric drugs. But nearly all researchers and journalists who focus on obesity fail to mention the drug link.

It’s hard not to wonder why this happens. Could drug companies be that much more powerful than fast-food chains, or does it take the former much longer to come up with drugs lacking unwanted effects than for McDonald’s to produce healthier foods in smaller portions? Is it perhaps clinicians’ fear of not knowing what to do other than prescribe these drugs? If so, then it’s time to broaden their training so they know more about the wide array of other courses of action that can help many who suffer from emotional problems, such as exercise, meditation, changes in vitamin/mineral intake, participating in the arts, volunteer work, and developing or maintaining close friendships. Whatever the reasons, the result is that not enough people know that many of these emotionally troubled patients now will have added burdens.

What’s worse is that the connection between psychiatric drugs and obesity involves children, too. Over the past two decades the number of obese adolescents has tripled, while the 10 years after 1996 saw prescriptions of psychiatric drugs for US children rise 50 percent. And a new federal study shows that poor children are more likely than other kids to be put on drugs marketed as antipsychotics, one of the greatest culprits for causing major weight gain as well as lifelong metabolic problems. Add the humiliation to which kids subject overweight peers, and the potential psychological damage is frightening.

Another disturbing link could be on the way. The fifth edition of the major psychiatric diagnostic manual, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-V), is expected to be released in 2013. One proposal under consideration: listing obesity as a mental illness. That would be a mistake, since obesity can be caused by metabolic and other physical problems that are often undiagnosed. And because obesity can also result from psychiatric drugs, calling it a mental illness would create a vicious cycle: Someone is troubled, put them on drugs, they become obese, therefore diagnose them as mentally ill, give them more drugs.

Overall, much must be done. The first lady should talk about the obesity/drugs link. The Food and Drug Administration must ride herd -- hard -- on drug companies that conceal that connection. Every physician should alert patients to this potential effect and explore other non-drug ways to treat emotional problems. Publishers and editors should insist that this link be addressed in stories about obesity. The American Psychiatric Association should refuse to categorize it as a mental illness in its DSM-V. And every citizen should stop the knee-jerk blaming of people with weight problems for allegedly lacking self-control.

http://www.boston.com/bostonglobe/magazine/articles/2010/01/24/fattened_by_pills/

Reposted from NAAFA myspace blog

Why Low-Fat Caused the Obesity Epidemic

2010-01-24T02:08:00.000-08:00

by Jonny Bowden

When you have something as massive and scary as the obesity epidemic, it's hard to point the finger at one single element and say, "that's why it happened." But however you slice it, the low-fat movement played a part in the epidemic.

After World War ll, heart disease rates began to rise precipitously. In the 1970s, a committee led by Senator George McGovern issued a report advising Americans to lower their risk of heart disease by eating less fat. This recommendation was based on evidence that linked diet to heart disease. Unfortunately, the report wrongly singled out saturated fat as the wicked element in our diet responsible for all our problems. This was the beginning of the low-fat movement.

And of the obesity epidemic.

It's more than a coincidence that they happened at the same time, and here's why.

Once dietary fat was "identified" as the chief culprit in heart disease -- a huge case of mistaken identity in my opinion -- food manufacturers sprang into action. The race was on to produce low-fat and no-fat foods, and to engineer the saturated fat out of everything.

This, in turn, led to a slew of "food-like" products, manufactured and processed edible substances bearing little resemblance to whole foods, and to idiotic experiments like margarine. Add to this witches' brew the invention of high-fructose corn syrup and hydrogenated oils (to replace saturated fat) and you had the perfect dietary storm.

You see, if you're a food manufacturer and you're removing the fat from some food, you need to replace it with something else or it won't taste very good. So, we wound up with a slew of low-fat products loaded with sugar. And since high-fructose corn syrup was now available cheaply, adding sweetness was an easy thing to do.

So easy, in fact, that high-fructose corn syrup started showing up in hundreds -- if not thousands -- of food products.

At the same time as all of this was happening, American started eating more of everything. This, too, is no coincidence. Here's why: If I give you a carton of Domino's sugar and tell you to eat till your heart's content, you won't consume very much. Same thing with butter. But if I put them together, something magical happens. Combine sugar and fat and every one of your evolutionary buttons are pushed. Manufacturers know this. Cravings get activated, brain chemistry starts firing, you can literally eat this stuff 'till you bust.

And we did.

The whole low-fat movement coincided with a huge spike in food processing and those who process and manufacture food products for a living have one goal -- getting people to eat more of their products. That's easy to do -- just engineer combinations of sugar and a bit of fat, which worked really well with the whole "low-fat" philosophy.

As long as it didn't have too much fat, you could eat it, right?

Meanwhile, fat -- the one macronutrient that keeps you full and satisfied -- was lacking from most of what we were eating. Sugar, the one element that keeps cravings going, was plentiful. Portion sizes in general collectively took a shot of steroids, as the whole country decided that super sizing was its birthright.

Low fat has a lot to answer for. It may not be the only reason we're experiencing one of the worst health epidemics in modern times, but it sure is one of the biggest.

Want to ditch the low-fat foods? Then learn how to eat healthy and distinguish serving versus portion size.

http://...com/y9yza5l

Reposted from NAAFA myspace blog

A Cabbie and a Nun

2010-01-22T02:00:00.000-08:00

Reposting this. I needed a laugh.
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't wantto offend you"

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says,"Yes, I'm single and Catholic!

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfils the cab driver's fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

More personality test stuff

2010-01-07T01:33:00.000-08:00

About your personality

You have a broad overview of reality. You like to tackle large, complex issues and weigh all the variables involved. And you can be innovative and bold, generating new perspectives and providing imaginative solutions to ambiguous social, political, intellectual or technical problems.

You have fine tuned social skills, easily picking up the gestures, facial expressions and speech patterns of others and expressing yourself clearly and vividly. You are intuitive, too; you understand people, and genuinely sympathize with them. Because you are also flexible and cooperative, you are also good at working in teams.

Yet despite your poise in social situations, you often prefer solitude or informed and detailed conversations with just one individual or a few close friends. You try to avoid routine meetings and social engagements. You prize your independence.

You like to focus deeply and thoroughly on your interests. You can be exacting, tough-minded, analytical and strategic in your approach, too. You leave no stone unturned.

Relating to others

You seek an authentic connection with just about everyone you meet, and you want to have in-depth discussions with friends and colleagues about ideas and feelings. You do not suffer fools gladly; "small talk" leaves you cold.

In love and relationships

You are idealistic and romantic. You want to bond in a spiritual sense, communicate your innermost feelings and sustain an intense and meaningful relationship. You have a rich fantasy life. And, for you, sex must be mixed with romance and meaning. When you find true love, you focus your attention on your beloved. You give thoughtful gifts, are sensitive to your mate's feelings and communicate your emotions clearly. You are capable of unconditional love. You can be irreverent about traditional marriage, however. You feel your personal commitment is the true marriage vow. In fact, you may be inclined to write your own vows and create a non-traditional wedding ceremony. You unconsciously gravitate to those who are imaginative and playful with ideas. You also like those with an unruffled calm and decisiveness, those who are ambitious, and those who can focus on their goals-individuals who complement your restless soul-searching.

Things to be aware of

Because you can see so many angles to an issue or decision, you can be indecisive.
You wrestle with the contradictory feelings of being too eager to please and being tough minded.
When you feel betrayed you can be unforgiving and hold a grudge too long.

Thanksgiving and more Drama

2009-11-27T01:25:00.000-08:00

UGH Kelly! I just want to bash that little immature girl's face in. Thanksgiving was fun. I helped tanja and her sister cook dinner. Tanja's family left to go to a party at 4pm, so it was just me, Tanja and her aunt eating dinner. I turned in fairly early at about 8:30 and watched some tv before falling asleep at 9:30. It's been a relaxing few days at tanja's house. We dread going back home and having to deal with kelly. There is a part of me that is worried that I might have to come back home, but the stubborn "i'm going to make this work" part wont have any of that.

Boston is rainy and grey and kinda depressing. I have a job interview on monday so hopefully that will pan out. Once I have work, I know things will be better. Time will go by quicker. The more drama I deal with, with kelly, the more precious my entire family is to me. So...there is always that. Distance really does make the heart grow fonder.

Right now tanja are writing up our ideal living situations. Kelly wrote up hers already. Then we are going to come together next week and write up house rules that we all sign. It's the only mature way to deal with this situation. I'm going to try to hold out on signing any lease. I don't want to be tied to kelly in case shit gets worse. That way matt and I can get an apartment on our own when he comes out in june. i just want to get a job and save save save.

Boston Drama

2009-11-21T01:23:00.000-08:00

Things have been going fairly well. We've already had some drama, a huge argument and an intervention. Kelly seems to be a manipulator with the pity me crap. You see she's dating a total loser who is mentally abusive. From what I gather, they broke up over a year ago right before she went to Europe for something. She fucked some guy out of spite, then when she got back together with him when she got back, he wanted her to claim rape. It went as far as court dates until he backed down. He had her believing she was raped. He calls her a whore and shit. They break up every other month, but she is ADDICTED to this guy. I've never met him and I never want to because when I was here last summer, they had a HUGE fight over the phone. I was there to comfort her, I heard the shit he said. It was awful. They broke up. She blocked him from her phone, facebook, etc. Then he called her house that night. Her mom and her answered the phone at the same time and her mom heard him say, "Why the fuck are you not answering my calls?" Anyway so she talked to him in her room, he sweet talked her, they got back together. He says the same stuff dad and other abusers say. "I didn't mean it, you don't understand me, I love you, I'd never mean to hurt you, etc." Tanya see's it too. One time they were at a club...I think last december. Anyway, he slinked up to tanja (who is blind mind you) and said, "Your not bad. If you weren't blind I'd date you. Bet you'd be good in bed." Then afterwards he claimed he was roofied and the drugs made him say that shit. Tanja had an abusive father too, she can't trust men. He creeps the FUCK outta her. She never wants to see him again.

Well Kelly has been manipulating EVERYONE. Kelly and tanja were living in the dorm, but she couldn't see her man very often. As it is, kelly would invite him over last minute, and so tanja would have to sleep in the COMMON ROOM of the dorm to get away from them fucking. Tanja had to go home almost every weekend, because Kelly would have her man stay over. Tanja was constantly being pushed around by kelly, but she didn't want to say anything and offend. Kelly and her man would even have fights, several times a week, where he is yelling at her and calling her a whore until 4am. Tanja heard everything cause she slept in the same room. So then kelly moved in with Tanja this semester. In fact, after Kelly missed her cousins wedding because the bastard got into a bar fight, Kelly called tanja's mom and asked if she could move in early. She stated that her mom was being mean to her and she wanted to hurry up and leave and not let her know where she was going. Tanja's mom wouldn't have it. There was no way she was going to let kelly run away to her house, especially because she knew it was really because she wanted to be with a man her parents didn't approve of. What's fucked up, is she was supposed to play the wedding march at her cousins wedding and she bailed at the last second to go coddle her bruised boyfriend.

Anyway, she asked tanja and her mom if she could have the bastard over like right as soon as she finally moved in. Tanja's mom said no. So next thing you know Kelly is complaining about the commute, how she never see's her friend and literally annoys tanja into getting an apartment. Its like she's been bouncing around trying to find a situation where she could see her man whenever she wants, regardless of whether anyone likes him. Then on Thursday night at 10pm, Kelly asked me if the bastard could come over and spend the night. I said no. I had a ton of homework, I wasn't up to meeting him and I need time to get adjusted to my home before meeting a man who creeps the fuck outta me. She has a hissy fit, left the apartment and then started attacking me via text messages. She finally called me, gave me a sob story about how she never get's to see him (when she sees him every weekend) and blah blah. I cracked (my period started the next day) I started crying about how he reminds me of Dad and I needed more time. She kept digging into me so I called her a selfish bitch who needs to get over herself and then I hung up on her.

Then me and Tanja had some time to talk and compare notes. That's when this whole huge manipulating story came to light. Kelly's mom hates the guy and wants her to leave him, but she has no idea how bad things are. Kelly has to call him every night, the guy is MY AGE kelly is 19. He still lives at home with his parents, he dropped outta college with like 2 classes left, he works at a liquor store, and is a GOTH! He's a total controlling loser. There is much more to the story, but I don't want to be typing forever. I've got homework to do.

Kelly then called me, I let it go to voicemail and she apologized and what not. Then 15 minutes later she sent a retraction via text message saying that she wasn't being selfish. I'm guessing she had talked to her man right before that. Then a while later she called tanja and was saying she didn't want to come home cause she was nervous. Tanja told her to come home so we could have a house meeting. Kelly said she would be back after she got some dinner. Like an hour and a half goes by before she gets back, so now it's like 1:30am. Remember, this started at 10pm, so you could imagine how pissed off tanja and I were by the time she got home. We lay into her and the bitch has the nerve to FAKE CRY. You know the loud sobbing temper tantrum crying. She didn't even have a runny nose or tears! She said we were ganging up on her and telling her we hate her, when we were really telling her we were worried about her. We like her enough to worry and we don't want to see another woman get abused by a stupid man. She said we didn't understand and that he was "different" now. Even when we listed his mile long list of transgressions, things no woman would withstand, she still didn't get it. She LOVES him. blah blah. So we were like, why didn't you get an apartment with him, and she slipped out and said he doesn't want to live with me, then said, she doens't want to live with him. She wants to live with her friends. Yet 2 seconds before she was talking about marriage and kids. What the fuck? Finally tanja and I gave up trying to help her and set the ground rules for the apartment. No visitors without 24 hour notice. No parties without 24 hour notice. And we don't want to see that sleezeball. We also confronted her about the fact that she's taken over the apartment. Her mom wanted us to have like 20 fucking lamps, and she couldn't say no to her and tanja and I are like, lets get rid of this shit. Kelly actually told tanja that all of her furniture was shit, so she shouldnt bring it, and then kelly moved shitty furniture in herself. The dining room table is a plastic folding table with these little black chairs that literally have seats the size of a small dinner plate. I can't sit on them, cause they make my ass numb. They are plastic and feel like they are going to break. She also brought a couple bean bag chairs, that Tanja, the blind roommate, trips over!! DUH! So we told her, all 3 of us are paying rent here, so this is our house too. This is a democracy and if majority wants something, then majority rules. We want to feel like we live here. So Tanja and I don't really like Kelly and her immaturity. She's an only child and acts like one. We will remain polite, and as long as she keeps her abusive relationship to herself, then all will go well.

It hasn't all been bad. Tanja and I are closer than ever. We are almost like twins. She was born on June 3 too. We think so alike. We even finish each other's sentences. Last night we were talking about her eyes. She has glaucoma and her eyes have too much pressure. So she has to take eye drops and testosterone to keep the pressure down. She can't go on some roller coasters because her eyes would literally explode. I joked about how she could then get tiger eyes, and then she said, no I'd rather have.. and then at the same time we both said "fucking bionic eyes." It was strange and hysterical and the same time.

I expected there to be a transition period, and some fights and stuff, so I'm not shocked. We still need to deal with the fact that kelly is a slob and so far, hasn't bought any food. But we will handle them with diplomacy and tact. Tanja talked to her mom about this and so we have her support. We are prepared to call kelly's parents and have a huge multi-family meeting and intervention if this obsessed relationship gets any worse. LOL. Drama drama drama.

Starting Over

2009-09-19T14:27:00.000-07:00

Well, I didn't get pregnant this time around. My period was just very VERY late. It also lasted longer than usual. It is possible that I was pregnant, but I miscarried. Women miscarry quite often, most before they even know they are pregnant. It's the bodies way of preventing a pregnancy in a less than ideal environment. So I figure I have one more month to try before we need to put the baby thing on hold. My reasoning behind that is, if I get pregnant this month, I can still have the baby before it gets WAYYY to hot here. But if I get pregnant after that, I will be super pregnant during the hottest months of the year. I'd rather not!

Also a friend of mine got me thinking about teaching and whatnot. So I looked into it and I'm only a fee, an internship and a test away from being a certified high school, elementary or special ed teacher. I didn't realize I was that close. So I'm considering doing that. It will be easy to do and will give me a real career option to fall back on.

Sales of my book are slow and steady even though I've gotten several other businesses to link back to me. People are actually sending me free samples to review their products. Cool huh!

Well, that's enough of an update for now. Just gonna keep on truckin'.

Stephanie

Day 44

2009-09-12T23:06:00.000-07:00

So I got a shocker this morning when I started spotting. It's very light and not at all like my period, so I'm going to just keep monitoring things and go with the flow so to speak. I will test again in a week.

Day 43

2009-09-11T08:03:00.000-07:00

And still testing negative with my period no where in sight. My breasts are still tender, though not as bad as they initially were, and I seem to be retaining water. My hands and feet feel swollen and kinda numb-like. I'm still hungery often, and I'm making sure that I keep eating healthy despite the increased appetite. I'm tired often and I'm allowing myself the extra sleep. I really don't understand why I'm still testing negative. I will do some internet research to see what's going on. Will post results here.

That is all for now.
Ciao.

Still waiting

2009-09-05T18:37:00.001-07:00

Day 37...still no period, tested negative. ARGHHHH! Breasts are so tender that it hurts to sleep on them. Gotta wait another week to test.

Excerpt from: William Wants a Doll. Can He Have One? Feminists, Child Care Advisors, and Gender-Neutral Child Rearing

2009-08-27T21:53:00.000-07:00

Gender-Neutral Child Rearing

How do these child care advisors view gender-neutral or nonsexist child rear- ing? Twenty-five sources directly address this issue, and 16 at least minimally advocate for gender-neutral child rearing. Theory of gender development rather than credential or profession seems to predict an advisor's view of gender-neutral parenting. Table 1 demonstrates that those who advocate gender-neutral parenting are primarily those advisors who have a social learning or psychoanalytic theory of gender development.

Advocating gender-neutral parenting is different from saying that it is okay for a boy to play with a doll if he wants to. By "advocating," I mean that these advisors say that parents should not only permit but encourage children to move beyond gen- der stereotypes for their own good and/or the good of society. Beal, Villarosa, and Abner (1999, 261) minimally advocated gender-neutral parenting:

Rather than reinforcing rigid gender stereotyping, your goal should be to raise self- assured children. This is especially important for girls who exhibit passive behavior, which can lead to poor academic achievement or, worse, involvement in an abusive relationship later in life. Likewise, boys need to develop their emotions so that they can learn how to express their feelings (including frustration and disappointment) and feel empathetic toward others. Without these expressions, boys learn to push their feelings down, which can lead to inappropriate anger, drug abuse, and alcoholism. Which toys are best to give to boys, and which are the best for girls? There is no such thing as a best toy for a boy or a girl. Some research shows that girls may prefer dolls and boys like to make roaring car noises, but experts are now trying to get parents to steer away from gender stereotypes for the reasons mentioned above.

Fully advocating gender-neutral parenting, Becoming the Parent You Want to Be (Davis and Keyser 1997) and Field Guide to Parenting (Butler and Kratz 1999) each provide a chapter (24 pages and 5 pages, respectively) largely devoted to how to counter gender stereotypes in children.

Eleven sources provide negative commentary about gender-neutral parenting. Those with a theoretical orientation that is primarily biological and those that review all theories tend to hold more negative views of gender-neutral child rearing. These advisors provide a range of negative commentaries from "it won't work" to "it could be harmful." "Nowadays some feminists insist that there are no innate sex- ual differences and that boys and girls would behave alike if we treated them alike.

Common sense, and most parents' observations, as well as our own, tell us that the two sexes tend to be worlds apart in their behavior" (Ames and Haber 1989, 46-47). Three of these negative commentaries also address some positive aspects of gender-neutral child rearing, but they are often undermined by suggestions that the effort is futile or potentially harmful to a child's development.

But most children do fit comfortably into their respective traditional gender molds- no matter how careful their parents are to raise them in a nonsexist environment, with nonsexist books, nonsexist toys, and nonsexist attitudes. That there is a difference- and some would say, vive le difference-in no way means that one sex is better than the other. On the contrary, society is beginning to acknowledge that men and women are equal but different. Nor does the powerful influence of nature mean that nurture has no influence at all. Continue to offer your son a wide range of toys, by all means, but don't force or pressure him to play with toys that don't interest him. (Eisenberg, Murkoff, and Hathaway 1996, 224)

The American Academy of Pediatrics (1999, 143) includes this advice under the section heading "When Gender Identity Becomes Confused":

Some families try hard to treat all their children similarly, regardless of sex. But this type of childrearing can deny inherent differences among youngsters. Also, even when gender-neutral childrearing is attempted, it is very difficult to accomplish.... Gender-neutral childrearing has the advantage of helping parents and youngsters identify universally desirable human traits and values they would like to adopt and promote. It also might enhance relationships between boys and girls (and men and women). However, keep in mind that boys and girls are sometimes inclined toward different interests and behaviors. If you ignore biological differences, you can deny children the opportunities to build on their innate strengths.

It is not surprising to find that those who believe that gender differences are biologi- cal think there is little chance of gender-neutral parenting's having much effect on children's gender. However, it is interesting that these same theorists find such parenting potentially harmful. If gender is fixed by biology, gender-neutral parent- ing should matter little either way.

Thus far, we have seen that feminist ideas are embodied in contemporary parenting advice and seem to have had some effect on how gender is theorized. Fur- thermore, a fair number of advisors advocate some degree of gender-neutral parenting, in theory. In the next section, I examine the advice experts give to parents who are faced with a child whose behavior is gender nonconforming. As we will see, boys playing with dolls and girls roughhousing with boys become a bit more problematic as advisors navigate their way through sexuality issues.

Can William Have a Doll? Advice about Gender Nonconformity

Most of the advice about gender management is framed by real or hypothetical questions from parents who are concerned about their boys' doing "girl" things (wearing a dress, lipstick, or jewelry or playing with dolls or girls) or about girls' doing "boy" things (going without a shirt, playing with boys). There is, however, a gender difference even in the posing of the problem. These questions are much more frequently posed about boys.

Advice about managing gender is usually in answer to the question, "Is it a prob- lem that my child is doing something gender deviant? And what should I do about it?" At first glance, it appears that these advisors answer "No, this is not a problem." They find gender nonconformity diagnosable and unhealthy only in its extreme or exclusive form, that is, when it meets the criteria of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) categorization of gender identity disorder (GID; see below). However, that advisors usually say it is not a problem does not mean that they have fully embraced the feminist position on gender socialization. Only two sources give feminist answers to this question (although these give other answers as well). I categorize these answers as feminist because they say explicitly that boys' playing with dolls and girls' playing with trucks or some other version of gender nonconformity are good for children and society. Spock and Parker (1998, 656) gave the quintessential feminist answer: "When individuals feel obliged to conform to a conventional male or female sex stereotype, they are all cramped to a degree, depending on how much each has to deny and suppress their natural incli- nations. Thus, valuable traits are lost to the society. And they are all made to feel inadequate to the degree that they fail to conform to the supposed ideal." Surprising some, Leach (2000, 530) wrote, "If you try to make a boy stick to the 'right' gender, however good your reasons, you deprive him of exploring the potential of half the world, and if you are happy to let a girl switch over but not a boy, you inevitably contribute to the basic gender inequalities that still bedevil us all."

While these sources explicitly offer a feminist argument for why gender non- conformity is beneficial to children and the social world, a few sources present an argument that finds this behavior acceptable, essentially saying "There's no harm in that" without elaborating on its benefit (Barnes and York 2001, 53-54).

Finally, most advisors offer some acceptance of gender nonconformity in chil- dren, and they advise parents not to worry. However, their advice simultaneously emphasizes that gender nonconformity is problematic. These advisors give quali- fied and tenuous answers to parents' questions about gender nonconformity. About 60 percent of the sources can be described as giving (at least) one of three types of advice. Two of these types have long been stereotypic responses to homosexuality: (1) Don't make it worse and (2) recode the behavior. The third response explicitly addresses the link between gender and sexuality: (3) Don't worry; it doesn't lead to homosexuality.

First, advisors tell parents not to worry about their child's gender-deviant behav- ior as it is not a problem or it is only a phase, and their worrying about it will create a problem. They suggest that "we may inadvertently cause the very thing we fear if we react [to a boy wanting a dress] with anxiety, however understandable that may be" (naturalchild.com). Advisors suggest that parents' discomfort with a child's gender nonconformity creates "the problem." Or, for instance, in responding to a letter from a mother whose nine-year-old played with his sister's dolls, John Rosemond (1990, 151-52) responded,

Your son's preference for dolls and "girl" toys is unusual, but not necessarily abnor- mal. There is no law which says that boys must play with trucks and trains and sports equipment, or that girls must play with dolls and wear pink. ... The problem does not lie with your son's preference for his sister's things. The problem is that you have made his choice of toys into a major issue, at the crux of which is the question of his autonomy. As long as you fight with him over whether he has a right to like dolls, he has no choice but to fight back. In the process of defending his "turf," he builds walls around it which not only keep you out ("Eventually, I always give in") but keep him in. He won't have the freedom to expand his range of interests until you put an end to the battle. (emphasis added)

Rosemond suggested more father involvement and recommended that the family seek counseling.

Similarly, Jan Faull, an advisor for family.go.com, in two different columns of advice to mothers who have "hypersensitive" sons (three and five years old), wrote, "By trying to make him less sensitive, you'll accentuate a personality trait he was born with. ... Instead of talking him out of it, accept it, validate it and then move on about your day, focusing on other aspects of his personality and behavior," and "If you try talking or forcing him into being less sensitive, you'll only magnify this delicate personality trait."

This admonishment that one's attention to a child's gender deviance will ulti- mately create gender deviance implies that despite the advisor's assurances that doing gender outside of prescribed norms is normal or a phase in early childhood, parents should not want to see it further develop in children. Ultimately, they pro- vide advice about how to prevent it.

Second, some advisors tell parents not to worry about gender nonconformity because the behavior is not really what it appears. They offer parents new ways to interpret their child's behavior so that it does not look like a problem of gender devi- ance. In essence, they recode the behavior or give parents the tools to recode it to make gender nonconformity acceptable gender behavior. Perhaps the best example of this can be seen in an advice column from naturalchild.com. A parent wrote that her "soon to be 4" son "is obsessed with wearing dresses" and that she does not "want to hurt, or interfere with [her] son's true identity. Please help." After some discussion of "sexual aberrations," the advisor wrote,

Instead of demonstrating anything to do with sexuality or gender roles, your son may have something much more simple in mind. He may find dresses more comfortable than the pants he has worn. Perhaps his pants are too tight? Is the fabric uncomfort- able? Does he get a skin rash when wearing certain fabrics? Does he find it easier to use the potty when wearing a dress? And so on. Or his behavior may have more to do with expressing resistance in general. Has the family gone through some stressful times recently, that he had no control over? ... If he could have more time with his father or another male, he may begin to recognize why he is being asked to dress differently from you and his sister. I asked a colleague, Denise Green, for suggestions, and she asked if you might find a compromise, such as a kilt or other ethnic type of dress. She makes an interesting point here, because skirts and robes are worn by men in many different world cultures. It's the culture that is strange, after all: girls can wear pants but boys can't wear dresses. Perhaps your son is ahead of his time, or perhaps like other children he likes wearing costumes as a way to understand what it's like to be a different person. Have you looked into acting classes, where he could wear many types of clothing in an acceptable way?

In this short piece of advice, the expert gives the mother many options for trans- forming her boy's dress wearing from a sexual aberration into a normal, sensible desire and behavior. In just a few sentences, the boy's dress wearing is recoded as an issue of comfort, an issue of toilet training, an issue of resistance or stress, an issue of time with his father, a form of ethnic dress, and a costume. All of these are implic- itly more acceptable than his simply being a "soon to be 4"-year-old boy who likes to wear dresses. This nonconforming behavior would "worry any parent" because of its implication of "sexual aberration." I return to the issue of sexuality below but here emphasize that by offering all these interpretations, the advisor signals that this behavior needs to be interpreted, explained, and transformed into gender- normative behavior.

Naturalchild.com is not the only source that does this recoding. Spock and Parker said that boys' doll play is "parental rather than effeminate" (1998, 40). Advice from parents.com asserts that a four-year-old boy's Barbie play is merely a sign that "chances are when he grows up, he will want to date girls who look like Barbie." Similarly, parentsplace.com advises a parent whose three-year-old son loves to dress up as Cinderella that "the Cinderella fairy tale also includes themes of rescue and protection against evil so common at this stage of development" and thus links dressing as Cinderella to play that many of the books say is typical of boys: heroes and rescue. By offering explanation and recoding, these advisors attempt to make gender nonnormative behavior understandable to parents and also acceptable. Yet in doing so, they reinforce parental notions that it needs justification.

Finally, despite the fact that gender nonconformity is rarely posed as a question about a child's (adult) sexual preference, and despite much debate among scholars about whether there is any connection between gender nonconformity and homo- sexuality, more than half of the advisors remark on the connection or lack thereof between gender deviance and homosexuality. The above advice, "don't make it worse" and "recode," is likely founded on this assumed, sometimes unspoken con- nection between gender nonconformity and homosexuality. Frequently, advisors suggest that gender deviance is not a sign of homosexuality and that homosexuality is a problem while gender deviance is not, at least in early childhood. "Relax. There isn't one shred of evidence that play that crosses typical sex-role boundaries is bad in any way unless it's the only sort of play your child engages in. It doesn't make boys sissies or girls tomboys. It doesn't lead to homosexuality. All it does is give children a wider range of fun things to do, and parents more options for presents to buy" (Needlman, drspock.com).

The advisors view homosexuality in a nearly uniformly problematic and nega- tive manner. They often sympathize with parents, describing the prospect of homo- sexuality as understandably "alarming" to parents. For example, "Any parent in this situation would be alarmed. You are probably worrying that your child is a transvestite-in-training or gay" (parentsoup.com). Only Spock (and Dr. Needlman of drspock.com) connects this "alarm" that parents feel to social prejudice. "When parents think that their little boy is effeminate or their little girl is too masculine, they may wonder whether the child will grow up to be gay or lesbian. Because of prevailing prejudices against homosexuality this can create worry and anxiety in parents" (drspock.com). All other advisors leave open the question of whether alarm about having a gay child is warranted. In fact, most leave the impression that this is something parents should be concerned about, while assuring parents that gender nonconformity is not (necessarily) linked to homosexuality. "Many parents who see their little boy straddling gender lines immediately jump to the conclusion that he may be showing homosexual tendencies. But it is too early for such a con- clusion. It's not until around age three that gender-based behavior becomes more entrenched and even at that point, a child's choice of play things is in no way a sure predictor of future sexual orientation" (Eisenberg, Murkoff, and Hathaway 1996, 222). This advice suggests that gender nonconformity (until age three in this case) is nothing to worry about because of the absence of any link to homosexuality; thus, it implies that such a link would warrant concern about gender behavior. This stig- matizes homosexuality.

After sympathizing with parents, some advisors proceeded to describe homo- sexuality as an abnormal, problematic sexual orientation. They described homo- sexuality variously as "skewed" (Leach) and a less "appropriate sexual orienta- tion" that comes with "warning signs" (Rosemond), implied it is in a category with "unhealthy sexual identities" (Sears, askdrsears.com) and "sexual aberration" (naturalchild.com), and suggested that such "eccentric" behavior will "alienate or draw fire from others" and thus warrants parental intervention (Reisser 1997, 352).

Similarly, some advisors suggest that parents play a role in whether gender- "deviant" behavior becomes linked to homosexuality. Rosemond explicitly blamed parental dynamics for homosexuality. In response to a letter from a teacher about a boy who likes makeup and women's clothing, he wrote,

The more rejecting and verbally aggressive the father is toward his son, the more the mother acts protective. This not only serves to strengthen the boy's identification with his mother, but further alienates him from his father as well. The closer the boy gets to his mother, the angrier the father gets and the more he blames his wife for the prob- lems. The end result of all this mess is that the feminine side of the boy's nature comes to increasingly dominate. What the boy needs more than anything else is an open, accepting relationship with his father. Therein lies whatever possibility still exists of helping the boy develop better self-esteem and a more appropriate sexual orientation. (1990, 153-54)

According to Rosemond, the parents are to blame, and the father must be responsi- ble for helping the boy to develop a "more appropriate" (read heterosexual) sexual orientation. The American Academy of Pediatrics (1999, 140), however, blames the mother: "Family studies indicate that effeminate boys often have unusually close relationships with their mothers and especially distant relationships with their fathers. Research suggests that the mothers of some effeminate boys actually encourage and support 'female' activities in their sons."

Many advisors tell parents to seek professional help for gender "deviance," especially when there is the implication that it is linked to homosexuality. For example, in a footnote to a sentence about what is not "a predictor of sexual orienta- tion," Eisenberg, Murkoff, and Hathaway (1996, 222) wrote, if "a three-year-old plays only with dolls, shuns male playmates, and/or regularly wants to dress in girls' clothing, a discussion with his doctor may be helpful."

The medicalization of gender and sexuality has been at the heart of a debate over including GID of childhood in the DSM. With the publication of the third edition of the DSM (which officially removed homosexuality) in 1980, a new category of mental disorder was created: GID. Many critics argue that GID replaced homosex- uality in the DSM (Burke 1996; Kosofsky Sedgwick 1993; McKean Moore 2002). The American Psychological Association estimates that 0.003 to 3 percent of boys and 0.001 to 1.5 percent of girls have this disorder, and the referral rate for boys is as much as seven times that of girls (Bartlett, Vassey, and Bukowski 2000). Some researchers critique the inclusion of GID in the DSM because it pathologizes proto- gay children and homosexuality; it psychologically equates liking the "wrong" gender toys, clothes, and playmates with "assertion that his penis or testes are dis- gusting" or, in girls, "assertion that she has or will grow a penis"; it does not meet the DSM's own criteria for classifying something as a mental disorder; and it makes social nonconformity an individual pathology (Bartlett, Vassey, and Bukowski 2000; Bem 1993; McKean Moore 2002). Thus, GID is not a mental disorder that is fully accepted by all clinical practitioners. However, child care advice books appear unaware of the problematic nature of GID. Thirteen sources include short- ened versions of the GID criteria and tell parents that these are the signs of a problem for which parents should seek professional help.

To read more of this paper, here are the details:

William Wants a Doll. Can He Have One? Feminists, Child Care Advisors, and Gender-Neutral

Child Rearing

Author(s): Karin A. Martin

Source: Gender and Society, Vol. 19, No. 4 (Aug., 2005), pp. 456-479

Published by: Sage Publications, Inc.

Stable URL: http://www.jstor.org/stable/30044612

Swedish parents keep 2-year-old's gender secret

2009-08-27T21:35:00.000-07:00

Swedish parents keep 2-year-old's gender secret

Published: 23 Jun 09 16:24 CET
Online: http://www.thelocal.se/20232/20090623/

A couple of Swedish parents have stirred up debate in the country by refusing to reveal whether their two-and-a-half-year-old child is a boy or a girl.

Pop’s parents [see footnote], both 24, made a decision when their baby was born to keep Pop’s sex a secret. Aside from a select few – those who have changed the child’s diaper – nobody knows Pop’s gender; if anyone enquires, Pop’s parents simply say they don’t disclose this information.

In an interview with newspaper Svenska Dagbladet in March, the parents were quoted saying their decision was rooted in the feminist philosophy that gender is a social construction.

“We want Pop to grow up more freely and avoid being forced into a specific gender mould from the outset,” Pop’s mother said. “It's cruel to bring a child into the world with a blue or pink stamp on their forehead.”

The child's parents said so long as they keep Pop’s gender a secret, he or she will be able to avoid preconceived notions of how people should be treated if male or female.

Pop's wardrobe includes everything from dresses to trousers and Pop's hairstyle changes on a regular basis. And Pop usually decides how Pop is going to dress on a given morning.

Although Pop knows that there are physical differences between a boy and a girl, Pop's parents never use personal pronouns when referring to the child – they just say Pop.

"I believe that the self-confidence and personality that Pop has shaped will remain for a lifetime," said Pop's mother.

But while Pop’s parents say they have received supportive feedback from many of their peers, not everyone agrees that their chosen course of action will have a positive outcome.

“Ignoring children's natures simply doesn’t work,” says Susan Pinker, a psychologist and newspaper columnist from Toronto, Canada, who wrote the book The Sexual Paradox, which focuses on sex differences in the workplace.

“Child-rearing should not be about providing an opportunity to prove an ideological point, but about responding to each child’s needs as an individual,” Pinker tells The Local.

“It’s unlikely that they’ll be able to keep this a secret for long. Children are curious about their own identity, and are likely to gravitate towards others of the same sex during free play time in early childhood.”

Pinker says there are many ways that males and females differ from birth; even if gender is kept ‘secret,’ prenatal hormones developed in the second trimester of pregnancy already alter the way the child behaves and feels.

She says once children can speak, males tell aggressive stories 87 per cent of the time, while females only 17 per cent. In a study, children aged two to four were given a task to work together for a reward, and boys used physical tactics 50 times more than girls, she says.

But Swedish gender equality consultant Kristina Henkel says Pop’s parents' experiment might have positive results.

“If the parents are doing this because they want to create a discussion with other adults about why gender is important, then I think they can make a point of it,” Henkel says in a telephone interview with The Local.

“You can talk about there being a non-stereotypical gender; if you are a girl you can do the same as a boy, and if you’re a boy you can do the same as a girl.”

Henkel also says a child's sex can deeply affect how they are treated growing up, and distract them from simply being a human being.

“If the child is dressed up as a girl or boy, it affects them because people see and treat them in a more gender-typical way,” Henkel explains.

“Girls are told they are cute in their dresses, and boys are told they are cool with their car toys. But if you give them no gender they will be seen more as a human or not a stereotype as a boy or girl.”

She says that without these gender stereotypes, children can build character as individuals, not hindered by preconceived notions of what they should be as males or females.

“I think that can make these kids stronger,” Henkel says.

Anna Nordenström, a paediatric endocrinologist at Karolinska Institutet, says it’s hard to know what effects the parents' decision will have on Pop.

“It will affect the child, but it’s hard to say if it will hurt the child,” says Nordenström, who studies hormonal influences on gender development.

“I don’t know what they are trying to achieve. It’s going to make the child different, make them very special.”

She says if Pop is still ‘genderless’ by the time he or she starts school, Pop will certainly receive a lot of attention from classmates.

“We don’t know exactly what determines sexual identity, but it’s not only sexual upbringing,” says Nordenström. “Gender-typical behaviour, sexual preferences and sexual identity usually go together. There are hormonal and other influences that we don’t know that will determine the gender of the child.”

Both Nordenström and Pinker refer to a controversial case from 1967 when a circumcision left one of two twin brothers without a penis. Dr. John Money, who asserted that gender was learned rather than innate, convinced the parents to raise 'David' as 'Brenda' and the child had cosmetic genitalia reconstruction surgery.

She was raised as a female, with girls’ clothes, games and codes of behaviour. The parents never told Brenda the secret until she was a teenager and rebelled against femininity. She then started receiving testosterone injections and underwent another genetic reconstruction process to become David again. David Reimer denounced the experiment as a crushing failure before committing suicide at the age of 38.

“I don’t think that trying to keep a child’s sex a secret will fool anyone, nor do I think it’s wise or ethical,” says Pinker. “As with any family secret, when we try to keep an elemental truth from children, it usually blows up in the parent’s face, via psychosomatic illness or rebellious behaviour.”

But with a second child on the way, Pop's parents have no plans to change what they see as a winning formula. As for Pop, they say they will only reveal the child's sex when Pop thinks it's time.

Footnote: Pop is not the child's real name but is the name used in Svenska Dagbladet's interview with the child's parents from March 6th.

Lydia Parafianowicz (lydia.parafianowicz@thelocal.se)

Am I overanalyzing my body?

2009-08-26T07:00:00.000-07:00

So, ever since we tried the first time to get preggers, I have been feeling this dull kind of pressure in my right ovary. I normally don't feel any sort of cramp until about a week before I menstruate. Besides, it's a different feeling. It's not pain, per se, but it's like this annoying dull ache that I feel even more when I laugh or stretch. It's not constant, but when I tune into my body, it's there. Could this be a sign of pregnancy? Who knows.

That Rotten Two Week Wait... Rambling

2009-08-24T03:25:00.001-07:00

Like it's not bad enough that you didn't conceive last month, you have to wait two long, long, everlasting weeks until you find out if this month you succeeded... Two weeks, if you're one of the lucky ones who has a fairly regular period or if you're going through fertility treatments and already know how many ultrasounds, blood tests & clinic visits it usually takes before you ovulate.

As soon as the 2ww begins, you're soooooooo in tune with your body. It's like everything's under a magnifying glass. Are my breasts sore? You put your hands on them to make sure. Is the smell of (fill in the blank) making me sick? COOL! Didn't I just go to the restroom a few minutes ago... quick lookup... frequent urination? YES! Another sure sign... And then you remember that it's only been about half-a-day since your IUI, IVF or natural attempt... Hey, only 13-1/2 more days to go.

A good thing to do at this time is to take care of yourself as if you are pregnant. Get enough rest, eat healthy foods, take your folic acid. Fantasize about things that make you happy - enjoy it now, who knows what will be at the end of the two weeks?

So you've gotten through the first few days? The next step is the bargaining step. You think to yourself, "I won't test at least until the (fill in the blank-th) day" or "I am waiting for the blood test." And the days eventually go by, they have to. Slowly, but they do... You read up on how long it takes until the sperm meets the egg, how long it takes for the fertilized egg to travel from the fallopian tube to the uterus, how long it takes for implantation. You wonder if implantation bleeding is real or a myth. Is it a good sign or a bad sign (whether you have it or not)? Once 7 or 8 days have passed, you realize implantation really could have occurred.

The magnifying glass now acquires a high-powered-lamp and a super-sonic microphone system to go along with it. I crave pickles. And chocolate ice cream. And I am so tired. All the time. My breasts are sore. They must be sore. And my jeans don't fit the way they did yesterday. Or... maybe this is all in my head...

By day 10, the bargaining usually begins again, along with the thoughts, "If I test now, it's still probably too early... that means I can test now & it's still not final... So, if it's negative, I still have a chance..." Some women break down about here. Some last another few days and some make it through the whole two weeks.

Toward the very end, it gets a little easier. By then you've pretty much decided if you are or aren't pregnant and taking the test means you're actually ready to know for sure. My guess is that every woman, even if she's "sure" she's pregnant, is at least a little worried that the test will be negative... and that will end the fantasy.

In this, the age of impatience, many of the searches for Fertility Stories have to do with pregnancy symptoms. Cramping after IUI; not nauseous pregnant; if my breasts are sore am I pregnant; faint pink line pregnancy; no symptoms pregnancy; IVF implantation bleeding... if you think about it, it makes sense. A letter that used to take a week is now an email that takes 10 seconds. News that you waited until 5:00pm to hear is on the Internet instantly. You can check your bank account to make sure your check was deposited even if you only think about it at 2:15am and if you need your addressed changed on something, you send a fax so they can change it right away... so why does it have to take 2 whole weeks to find out if you're pregnant???

http://www.fertilitystories.com/fertilityblog/2006/01/that-rotten-two-week-wait-rambling.html

Trying to Conceive

2009-08-23T06:28:00.000-07:00

So today my husband and I officially tried to make a baby. Unfortunately, I think I was a day or so after my ovulation, so now the waiting game has begun. Do my breasts feel tender? Am I sensitive to smells? My body is under a magnifying glass. I'm going to take a home pregnancy test, but the waiting, OH THE WAITING. It is so much worse than being in line for Splash Mountain. As they psycho lady said in Total Recall "Twoooo Weeeks!" AHHH Can I make it? I'm already antsy. I just want to be pregnant already!

I hear about so many women who have to try for several months to get pregnant, and here I am, having only tried once. I don't see how I can try for that long before losing my mind.

So that is where I am right now.

Amazing artwork - Julian Beever

2009-08-20T08:44:00.000-07:00

Baby Thoughts

2009-08-13T17:51:00.000-07:00

I'm having disturbing thoughts and sad dreams. My Mom-in-law made a joke that kinda hurt, about me and babies. Little did she know that having a baby is a sore subject for me, one filled with lack of confidence in one's body and mental faculties. I want to be a parent...not sure if I want to be a mother. Someone just needs to drop a baby off at my doorstep. lol. Along with $10,000 so we can buy a car.

So, I want to have a baby.

The reaction:
"Did I just read your status right??? Because you need to call me before you think that any longer... not that it isn't a total blessing... and not that Jacob didn't save my life in every way imaginable... but STEPH!!!! SERIOUSLY!!! FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!!! OK... that's all I have to say about that. ;-D XOXO"

Why is it that half of everyone I know reacts that way, and the other half keeps asking me "when are you gonna have a baby"? Why don't you want me to pass on my superior genes to the next generation?

Reaction #2:
"So... when r u gonna pick up Jacob so u can practice with him for a little while?? If you can handle a crazy redhead Conan for a couple weeks and still want kids with everything in you -- and not just want to do it for the good of the gene pool and the future of society... then I will give you my blessing. Ah Hell -- u know I'll give it 2 ya anyways!! lol. I seriously think that you and Matt should totally have a baby and don't listen to me go on and on about the craziness and "JUST MAKE SURE YOU KNOW..." blah blah blah... I'm just goin nuts half the time over here!! I'm sure the single mom part doesn't totally help!! The blessings a baby brings into your life soooooo much out weigh the stress and the craziness and the whatever that I bitch about and warn about that if you are ready to have a child... then you half my blessings and I am excited because it will give me that much more of a reason to come and visit!! (I'll have to start saving up for a plane ticket). lol XOXOXO"

Then after I mention how awesome I am and the fact that Matthew and I have been together 11 years. This is their response:

"OK... U r right. And... actually, u and Matty have been together soooooo long that u r in a better position to have a baby and probably more ready to emotionally than most of the rest of the people in the world who have them every day. Seriously!! I am just the wrong person to talk to about having a baby at this point because even though I wouldn't have it any other way -- mine drives me INSANE right now... ALL THE TIME!!! He's crazy. I think he is going to stay in the terrible 2 stage til he is at least 3 1/2. At least that's what I heard... someone said 3 is the new 2 for some reason. That's probably why I am in an intense WARNING phase right now. But, you deserve to experience the joys of motherhood, too! :-D XOXO"

"Having and raising kids is THE hardest job I have ever had! And these kids have sooo many emotions going thru them it almost makes you insane...But you do deserve to experience that for yourself....If I had no kids right now and no mortgage...I would try to live a little more...I never got to travel...I see so much pain in the world that honestly I WOULD go to Louisiana or Texas or any tornado state and help aid those who have lost everything....I totally wish I could drop everything and do something that makes a REAL difference in someones life...The closest I've felt to doing this is in teaching...I love my kids more than anything in the world but just be sure you've done all that you want to do first...That is all :)"

Some would see raising a child as an adventure that could change the world. I don't know. I see what you mean about living my dreams first...but if I put off motherhood to travel Europe, etc., I may wake up one day and be unable to have a baby. I don't want to be 60 years old and raising a teenager. I'd rather be young and have the opportunity to be a thriving 40 year old going to Europe with my teenage child! You figure, since you and Jimmy already have children, you will still be young when they are off to college. It's just a matter of, do I want to be old when I have kids and possibly never see my grandchildren, or do I want to be one of those grandparents who lives out of an RV bus, traveling the country? No one ever knows the right time to have a child. I know my finances are a little scary right now, but whose aren't?!? Matthew and I both feel the desire to raise a child...is it really that much of a mistake to go with my heart and instincts on this one?

Writer's Block: Memo to Myself

2009-08-10T18:14:00.000-07:00

Get off your ass and live your life. Sitting in front of computer all day is not a life. Oh and a liberal arts degree doesn't mean shit. You can't get a job with one, so you might as well go to nursing school.

Thoughts on a hot day

2009-07-04T23:24:00.000-07:00

For those select few who not only accept me for who I am, but also love and cherish me for it, I will do anything for you. I will not only stand on the edge of your battles, but I will "bleed" by your side. I am not a rich woman, but I have a huge capacity for love. If ever you needed me, I would drop everything to rush to your side. I would give you my last crust of bread, my shoulder, my sweat, my tears. You precious few who are welcome in my "bubble" have been given the greatest gift that I can give. But it comes at a price. I can only particpate in a relationship that is equal. While I may not be good at maintaining internet/email/phone relationships, I am great in person. I hold the memories of us together very sacred. I hope you do too. Time and miles may keep us apart, but I will always hold a small flame for you in my heart - ready to be fanned and rebuilt when our lives bring us back together again. And I hope it does. But like I said, I can only participate in equal relationships - where the love that I give is reciprocated. I cannot expend the energy to love you, if I am not getting energy back from your love. To me, that love should NEVER include hypocritcal preaching or holier than thou criticisms. Playful chiding is one thing, but words said to belittle really hurt. There is so much pain in the world, that I refuse to allow people, that would purposefully hurt me, in my life. I know we all have our moments of weakness, where painful words lash out like a serpents tongue, but those are cries for help. I'd like to think we are both evolved enough to see those snakelike words for what they truly are, and hold out our hands in loving acceptance and friendship.

I write these words as I think of our moments together. Some of us, our times were way too brief, others, we have known each other for a life time. Perhaps I am waxing poetic tonight because I am alone during a time when most of my country(wo)men are together. I watched families in the park, lovers walking hand in hand, friends playing flag football. I felt like an alien observer, analyzing the human race. We have such a capacity for creation, love and peace. I just hope I see the day when that capacity manifests itself. But I digress.

To those beautiful people in my life (I hope you know who you are) I send you my love.

May love and laughter light your days,
and warm your heart and home.
May good and faithful friends be yours,
wherever you may roam.
May peace and plenty bless your world
with joy that long endures.
May all life's passing seasons
bring the best to you and yours!
~An old Gaelic blessing~

Things that make you want to hug your grandmother...

2009-05-20T07:14:00.000-07:00

Resigning

2009-03-17T13:25:00.000-07:00

So how does one tell their teachers that they don't care anymore, will not be continuing the program and may very well not do anymore homework...without seeming pissed, pissy, or bitchy? I'm halfway tempted to tell them that I just found out that Im prego or something, and that i will be going back home at the end of the semester and be a stay at home mom. I could then be so focused on baby and shit, that i don't do anymore homework. I'm fat enough, I could get a way with it!!! I'm such a "testicle" (trying not to demean femininity by saying pussy) why can't I just confront people, be honest and have that be the end of it. Why do I feel like I have to hide behind some outrageous story. It was cute when i was 10, but I'm almost 30 now!!

I'm falling asleep right now, even though I got plenty of sleep last night. I don't feel like doing homework, laundry or bathing which tells me that I'm in the middle of another depression. Hopefully it will go away soon enough to keep my clothes from self-combusting.

I need some sort of pick me up. I refuse to fall asleep on my laptop in the library. Time to get up and move.

Nothing

2009-03-15T17:42:00.000-07:00

That's what I'm feeling inside. That and that weird "dirty" feeling I get when I had a headache and medicine is hiding the pain but I have a weird feeling that the cause of the headache is still there. It's very similar to a "slept too much" feeling or a "slept in a room with a lack of oxygen" feeling.

I want to go out. It's St. Patty's day weekend in the most Irish city this side of the Atlantic. There is a lot of stuff going on, I know it. But I have no one to do anything with. The lesbian I was friends with I think she's blowing me off. Every time I call her, she's in the process of going out with other people, but never has invited me to come. So, I feel scraped off by her. And to think I paid for dinner last time we were out and told her she could pick up the next one. There is never going to be a next one. Oh well. Whatever.

Kelly only really calls me when her boyfriend and Tanja are unavailable. I saw her with her boyfriend yesterday, so I guess that means she's not going to be texting me tonight.

I just don't want to do the whole "table for one" thing on a night when everyone is going out. I feel like such a loser. Part of me just wants to pack up now and go home. At least there are people in Arizona who miss the hell outta me and want me around.

But i wasted a shit load of money on Boston, so I might as well stick it out and get my money's worth. Besides, I have a job here, so I need to milk that for all it's worth. I'm surprised I haven't been laid off yet.

On a side note, Nature's Path Organic Frosted Toaster Pastries are like my new favorite food...again. I got sick of them a year ago. And now they are like candy to me. Try the apple cinnamon and cherry pomegran.

I feel like banging my head on a wall. Its a gorgeous day outside. And I'm crying inside.

2009-03-14T17:03:00.000-07:00

Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging

by Joe Butt

Profile: INFJ
Revision: 3.01
Date of Revision: 6 Mar 2005

Beneath the quiet exterior, INFJs hold deep convictions about the weightier matters of life. Those who are activists -- INFJs gravitate toward such a role -- are there for the cause, not for personal glory or political power.

INFJs are champions of the oppressed and downtrodden. They often are found in the wake of an emergency, rescuing those who are in acute distress. INFJs may fantasize about getting revenge on those who victimize the defenseless. The concept of 'poetic justice' is appealing to the INFJ.

"There's something rotten in Denmark." Accurately suspicious about others' motives, INFJs are not easily led. These are the people that you can rarely fool any of the time. Though affable and sympathetic to most, INFJs are selective about their friends. Such a friendship is a symbiotic bond that transcends mere words.

INFJs have a knack for fluency in language and facility in communication. In addition, nonverbal sensitivity enables the INFJ to know and be known by others intimately.

Writing, counseling, public service and even politics are areas where INFJs frequently find their niche.

Functional Analysis:

Introverted iNtuition

Introverted intuitives, INFJs enjoy a greater clarity of perception of inner, unconscious processes than all but their INTJ cousins. Just as SP types commune with the object and "live in the here and now" of the physical world, INFJs readily grasp the hidden psychological stimuli behind the more observable dynamics of behavior and affect. Their amazing ability to deduce the inner workings of the mind, will and emotions of others gives INFJs their reputation as prophets and seers. Unlike the confining, routinizing nature of introverted sensing, introverted intuition frees this type to act insightfully and spontaneously as unique solutions arise on an event by event basis.

Extraverted Feeling

Extraverted feeling, the auxiliary deciding function, expresses a range of emotion and opinions of, for and about people. INFJs, like many other FJ types, find themselves caught between the desire to express their wealth of feelings and moral conclusions about the actions and attitudes of others, and the awareness of the consequences of unbridled candor. Some vent the attending emotions in private, to trusted allies. Such confidants are chosen with care, for INFJs are well aware of the treachery that can reside in the hearts of mortals. This particular combination of introverted intuition and extraverted feeling provides INFJs with the raw material from which perceptive counselors are shaped.

Introverted Thinking

The INFJ's thinking is introverted, turned toward the subject. Perhaps it is when the INFJ's thinking function is operative that he is most aloof. A comrade might surmise that such detachment signals a disillusionment, that she has also been found lacking by the sardonic eye of this one who plumbs the depths of the human spirit. Experience suggests that such distancing is merely an indication that the seer is hard at work and focusing energy into this less efficient tertiary function.

Extraverted Sensing

INFJs are twice blessed with clarity of vision, both internal and external. Just as they possess inner vision which is drawn to the forms of the unconscious, they also have external sensing perception which readily takes hold of worldly objects. Sensing, however, is the weakest of the INFJ's arsenal and the most vulnerable. INFJs, like their fellow intuitives, may be so absorbed in intuitive perceiving that they become oblivious to physical reality. The INFJ under stress may fall prey to various forms of immediate gratification. Awareness of extraverted sensing is probably the source of the "SP wannabe" side of INFJs. Many yearn to live spontaneously; it's not uncommon for INFJ actors to take on an SP (often ESTP) role.

Famous INFJs:

Nathan, prophet of Israel
Aristophanes
Chaucer
Goethe
Robert Burns, Scottish poet

U.S. Presidents:: Martin Van Buren; James Earl "Jimmy" Carter

Nathaniel Hawthorne
Fanny Crosby, (blind) hymnist
Mother Teresa of Calcutta
Fred McMurray (My Three Sons)
Shirley Temple Black, child actor, ambassador
Martin Luther King, Jr., civil rights leader, martyr
James Reston, newspaper reporter
Shirley MacLaine (Sweet Charity, ...)
Piers Anthony, author ("Xanth" series)
Michael Landon (Little House on the Prairie)
Tom Selleck
John Katz, critic, author
Paul Stookey (Peter, Paul and Mary)
U. S. Senator Carol Moseley-Braun (D-IL)
Billy Crystal
Garry Trudeau (Doonesbury)
Nelson Mandela
Mel Gibson
Carrie Fisher
Nicole Kidman
Jerry Seinfeld
Jamie Foxx
Sela Ward
Mark Harmon
Gary Dourdan
Marg Helgaberger
Evangeline Lilly
Tori May

Introverted iNtuiting Feeling Judging

by Marina Margaret Heiss

INFJs are distinguished by both their complexity of character and the unusual range and depth of their talents. Strongly humanitarian in outlook, INFJs tend to be idealists, and because of their J preference for closure and completion, they are generally "doers" as well as dreamers. This rare combination of vision and practicality often results in INFJs taking a disproportionate amount of responsibility in the various causes to which so many of them seem to be drawn.

INFJs are deeply concerned about their relations with individuals as well as the state of humanity at large. They are, in fact, sometimes mistaken for extroverts because they appear so outgoing and are so genuinely interested in people -- a product of the Feeling function they most readily show to the world. On the contrary, INFJs are true introverts, who can only be emotionally intimate and fulfilled with a chosen few from among their long-term friends, family, or obvious "soul mates." While instinctively courting the personal and organizational demands continually made upon them by others, at intervals INFJs will suddenly withdraw into themselves, sometimes shutting out even their intimates. This apparent paradox is a necessary escape valve for them, providing both time to rebuild their depleted resources and a filter to prevent the emotional overload to which they are so susceptible as inherent "givers." As a pattern of behavior, it is perhaps the most confusing aspect of the enigmatic INFJ character to outsiders, and hence the most often misunderstood -- particularly by those who have little experience with this rare type.

Due in part to the unique perspective produced by this alternation between detachment and involvement in the lives of the people around them, INFJs may well have the clearest insights of all the types into the motivations of others, for good and for evil. The most important contributing factor to this uncanny gift, however, are the empathic abilities often found in Fs, which seem to be especially heightened in the INFJ type (possibly by the dominance of the introverted N function).

This empathy can serve as a classic example of the two-edged nature of certain INFJ talents, as it can be strong enough to cause discomfort or pain in negative or stressful situations. More explicit inner conflicts are also not uncommon in INFJs; it is possible to speculate that the causes for some of these may lie in the specific combinations of preferences which define this complex type. For instance, there can sometimes be a "tug-of-war" between NF vision and idealism and the J practicality that urges compromise for the sake of achieving the highest priority goals. And the I and J combination, while perhaps enhancing self-awareness, may make it difficult for INFJs to articulate their deepest and most convoluted feelings.

Usually self-expression comes more easily to INFJs on paper, as they tend to have strong writing skills. Since in addition they often possess a strong personal charisma, INFJs are generally well-suited to the "inspirational" professions such as teaching (especially in higher education) and religious leadership. Psychology and counseling are other obvious choices, but overall, INFJs can be exceptionally difficult to pigeonhole by their career paths. Perhaps the best example of this occurs in the technical fields. Many INFJs perceive themselves at a disadvantage when dealing with the mystique and formality of "hard logic", and in academic terms this may cause a tendency to gravitate towards the liberal arts rather than the sciences. However, the significant minority of INFJs who do pursue studies and careers in the latter areas tend to be as successful as their T counterparts, as it is *iNtuition* -- the dominant function for the INFJ type -- which governs the ability to understand abstract theory and implement it creatively.

In their own way, INFJs are just as much "systems builders" as are INTJs; the difference lies in that most INFJ "systems" are founded on human beings and human values, rather than information and technology. Their systems may for these reasons be conceptually "blurrier" than analogous NT ones, harder to measure in strict numerical terms, and easier to take for granted -- yet it is these same underlying reasons which make the resulting contributions to society so vital and profound.

Counselors have an exceptionally strong desire to contribute to the welfare of others, and find great personal fulfillment interacting with people, nurturing their personal development, guiding them to realize their human potential. Although they are happy working at jobs (such as writing) that require solitude and close attention, Counselors do quite well with individuals or groups of people, provided that the personal interactions are not superficial, and that they find some quiet, private time every now and then to recharge their batteries. Counselors are both kind and positive in their handling of others; they are great listeners and seem naturally interested in helping people with their personal problems. Not usually visible leaders, Counselors prefer to work intensely with those close to them, especially on a one-to-one basis, quietly exerting their influence behind the scenes.

Counselors are scarce, little more than one percent of the population, and can be hard to get to know, since they tend not to share their innermost thoughts or their powerful emotional reactions except with their loved ones. They are highly private people, with an unusually rich, complicated inner life. Friends or colleagues who have known them for years may find sides emerging which come as a surprise. Not that Counselors are flighty or scattered; they value their integrity a great deal, but they have mysterious, intricately woven personalities which sometimes puzzle even them.

Counselors tend to work effectively in organizations. They value staff harmony and make every effort to help an organization run smoothly and pleasantly. They understand and use human systems creatively, and are good at consulting and cooperating with others. As employees or employers, Counselors are concerned with people's feelings and are able to act as a barometer of the feelings within the organization.

Blessed with vivid imaginations, Counselors are often seen as the most poetical of all the types, and in fact they use a lot of poetic imagery in their everyday language. Their great talent for language-both written and spoken-is usually directed toward communicating with people in a personalized way. Counselors are highly intuitive and can recognize another's emotions or intentions - good or evil - even before that person is aware of them. Counselors themselves can seldom tell how they came to read others' feelings so keenly. This extreme sensitivity to others could very well be the basis of the Counselor's remarkable ability to experience a whole array of psychic phenomena.

Mohandas Gandhi, Sidney Poitier, Eleanor Roosevelt, Jane Goodall, Emily Bronte, Sir Alec Guiness, Carl Jung, Mary Baker Eddy, Queen Noor are examples of the Counselor Idealist (INFJ).

Full descriptions of the Counselor and the Idealists are in People Patterns or Please Understand Me II

More About Your Idealist Conselor Personality:

Careers: Best Job Fit for Idealists

Relationships:	Women and Romance - Idealist Women
	Men and Romance - The Idealist Lover

School: Maximizing Your Study Environment for Idealist Students

Champion | Counselor | Healer | Teacher

Cause I haven't updated in a while

2009-03-11T07:14:00.000-07:00

So where is my head at? I don't know I'm a bit of a head case these days.
So what have I learned since I moved to Boston?
1) Internal problems will follow you wherever you go.
2) Graduate school is too expensive to go to, to "sort your head out". You better be passionate about it. It's not a place to hide away or bide your time.
3) If there is real bacon in front of me, I am not embarrassed to eat a shit load of it.
4) My shin splints were caused by wearing the wrong shoes. I can now walk miles and be happy and pain free.
5) I have a penchant for marketing. I think it's really that I have an eye for pretty things. I know what is beautiful in interior design, and in a flyer. I, however, don't know what this means or what I should be doing for a living.
6) I don't care as much about studying feminism and women's studies as much as I initially thought. The reason I decided to do this was because I missed the camaraderie of my final semester at NAU and the roundtable discussions on Feminism. I thought that if I went to graduate school for it, I would find that again. Alas, that was a special circumstance with special people I had known for a while.
7) Insomnia takes time and patience to cure. I think I'm sleeping normal now.
8) I'm brave. Often I discount the amazing things I can and do, do. I moved across the country on my own and settled into a strange city on my own. That's scary and I did well. But my support system back home had a lot to do with it, and I would not be here if it weren't for Matthew.
9) I think I finally understand what dignity is. For me, it's about being able to take care of myself. Everything I do, like take the subway by myself for the first time, to buying my own groceries, as filled me with wonder and pride. Something I have never really felt before. Even if graduate school was the wrong decision, to live on my own wasn't. I'm learning and feeling something that I would never have been able to do if i hadn't left. I still have much to do, so I'm not ready to leave yet. I need more time.

That said. What now. What am I'm doing now? I have until March 31st to decide if I want to finish graduate school. I think I've made that decision. I'm not going to stay here at Simmons. But what am I going to do? Part of me has been playing with the idea of getting a job and a room to rent here in Boston. Another part of me noticed that most of the jobs are for medical personnel. So I was thinking about getting my certificate in something like Physical Therapy Assistant or Radiology. I don't know if this is a real idea or just another way of prolonging my education to hide from the real world. My final and most alluring idea is to move to Ireland. This is also my most selfish idea as it is contingent on Matthew being there to hold me up, without being with me. It's also a foot in the door for Matthew and I to live there permanently. Every year someone lives there, adds to their citizenship. I can go there as an American and artist (writer) and not need a visa. I could work under the table babysitting and what not. A flight costs only $250 one way. I found rentals for 200-400 Euro a month. Some even have yards for a garden. I could go there, work on my writing, work on finding myself, garden, and...

But Matthew... I know he agreed to have me out of his life for 2 years so I could go to school. But this would put me further away, and harder to visit. Part of me yearns to be back home with him. But another part feels like that would be failure. I'd be a failure. I can't do that. I must follow through. But how. I'm so torn. Tears don't often fall, but I cry internally about this everyday. Everything I'm doing is selfish and I have that on the back of my mind.

My psychoness explained

2009-02-22T14:07:00.000-08:00

after all these years, i'm still an INFJ (Introverted INtuitive Feeling Judging), bordering on INTJ (Introverted INtuitive Thinking Judging). another website says only 1% of the human population is INFJ, making it the rarest personality type (out of 16 types). took three different tests just now that basically said the same thing. My right and left brains are still more or less equally dominant.

the thin line between T (thinking) and F (feeling), and the right and left hemispheres is why i often feel i have two people inside of me--the logical, practical one who ALWAYS meets deadlines and thinks about consequences, and the dreamy, creative one who lives in a timeless world where there are no to-do lists. this has long been my problem (e.g. when i have a free afternoon or lunch break: write poetry or write an article for the newspaper to get rid of a deadline? read a novel or read a textbook on environmental science?), and until now i still don't know how to get them to be in the same room together =P

INFJ < A> - "Author". Strong drive and enjoyment to help others. Complex personality. 1.5% of total population.
Free'>http://similarminds.com/">Free Jung Personality Test (similar to Myers-Briggs/MBTI)
here's the description from similarminds.com (mwahaha--this explains a lot of things):

INFJ

creative, smart, focus on fantasy more than reality, attracted to sad things, fears doing the wrong thing, observer, avoidant, fears drawing attention to self, anxious, cautious, somewhat easily frightened, easily offended, private, easily hurt, socially uncomfortable, emotionally moody, does not like to be looked at, fearful, perfectionist, can sabotage self, can be wounded at the core, values solitude, guarded, does not like crowds, organized, second guesses self, more likely to support marijuana legalization, focuses on peoples hidden motives, prone to crying, not competitive, prone to feelings of loneliness, not spontaneous, prone to sadness, longs for a stabilizing relationship, fears rejection in relationships, frequently worried, can feel victimized, prone to intimidation, lower energy, strict with self

favored careers:

psychotherapist, artist, art curator, bookstore owner, freelance writer, poet, teacher (art, drama, english), library assistant, professor of english, painter, novelist, book editor, copywriter, philosopher, environmentalist, bookseller, museum curator, opera singer, magazine editor, archivist, music therapist, screenwriter, film director, creative director, librarian, social services worker, art historian, sign language interpreter, photo journalist, makeup artist, photo journalist, homemaker
disfavored careers:

airline pilot, race car driver, businessman, information technology consultant, executive, administrator, supervisor, bartender, lab technician, restaurant owner, strategist, ceo, bar owner, marketing specialist, business consultant

another description from www.personalitypage.com:

INFJs place great importance on havings things orderly and systematic in their outer world. They put a lot of energy into identifying the best system for getting things done, and constantly define and re-define the priorities in their lives. On the other hand, INFJs operate within themselves on an intuitive basis which is entirely spontaneous. They know things intuitively, without being able to pinpoint why, and without detailed knowledge of the subject at hand. They are usually right, and they usually know it. Consequently, INFJs put a tremendous amount of faith into their instincts and intuitions. This is something of a conflict between the inner and outer worlds, and may result in the INFJ not being as organized as other Judging types tend to be. Or we may see some signs of disarray in an otherwise orderly tendency, such as a consistently messy desk. <-- mwahaha! see? i'm not messy. deep inside i'm really organized =P but seriously, i've been wondering about why i'm so organized with my life but so disorganized with my physical personal spaces. now i know i'm normal =) (at least as far as 1.5% of the population is concerned).